RELAX!

"What is the one thing I can do to become a better flute player?"

In July 2011, I traveled from Nebraska to the Gary Schocker summer masterclass in West Park, NY. During the last day of the class, I had the opportunity to take a lesson with Mr. Schocker. This was one of the most informative 30 minutes of my life. At the end, he asked me, "Do you have any questions to ask me?"

I felt like the Buddhist pilgrim, who had climbed to the top of the mountain to ask the wise sage the most important question I could conceive. I poised, waiting for the important response:

"Lie on the floor for 20 minutes every day."

I was extremely puzzled...the ONE thing I could do to improve at flute playing had nothing to do with flute playing? WHAT?

I had a sort of deja vu moment a few weeks ago with my teacher here in Nebraska. I finished playing in my lesson, and asked her if she thought I had what it takes to be successful in the next stage of my flute playing life. She said, "Relax, and everything else is fine."

Two years later, after some extreme re-examining of my life, I finally know what Gary was talking about. The main obstacle in all of my life is my seeming inability to RELAX.

I have always been an energetic person. I have a constant drive to be doing things, ANYTHING besides relaxing. I want to be productive and successful. However, as I progressed through college, this energy started working against me. I had so much nervous energy that it actually was causing mistakes in my playing, tension in my life, mental fatigue, and a whole lot of frustration. I got to the point that I couldn't focus on homework or studying because of the stress energy. This constant pushing toward some goal seemed inexhaustible. And certainly, it was, for when I had success, the bar jumped higher, before I could even celebrate the progress of what I had attained.

In the last couple months, I finally have begun to accept help. I realize the energy was mostly anxiety driven. I had been pushing, not to achieve, but to outrun this constant sense that failure seemed just around the corner. That failure has never come, but the fear of it has remained.

I have sought counseling and medical help for my anxiety disorder. And in the last few weeks, I have finally begun to see some progress. Medication has helped me calm down a bit, and not have negativity drilling my brain every minute. I am beginning to see that life isn't about outrunning some predicted failure, but about continuing to learn.

Yoga has helped, too! My running motivation has come back, but the medication I am on is blocking that extra anxious energy, so I can't run as fast as I used to be able to. I am willing to make that tradeoff to save my flute passion.

I was telling a friend the other day, that the more I learn about the flute, the more I feel like I don't know. He just smiled and said, "It's all part of the journey!" I like this approach to life better. I want to keep learning and growing. As I keep growing, my life will go somewhere great. I need to put things like unemployment out of my mind. Failure? Failure only comes to the fear-filled, those who fold because they think they can't do it. Sure, I will stumble. But I believe my growth will outgrow my stumbles. I don't need to be perfect....I need to RELAX!

One month til moving day...more updates as we get closer. Until then, check out this awesome video. It gave me a bit of a push to go practice!!