Confidence

I’m going to talk about a tough topic for me. I am by no means an expert on this topic; in fact, I wouldn’t even consider it to be one of my strong points. However, as the expanse of winter break has opened up before me, I have had time to think and formulate some theories on the following topic:

Confidence.

A look at that word sparks some interesting feelings in me. On one hand, it makes me want to cower in a corner, because confidence means opening myself up to vulnerability, and that can be frightening. On the other hand, I feel my sense of self reach out for it with curiousity, wondering, “Where could I go if I had that? How far could my potential stretch?”

What does confidence even mean? Dictionary nerd time:

“a feeling or consciousness of one's powers or of reliance on one's circumstances <had perfect confidence in her ability to succeed> <met the risk with brash confidence>

b :  faith or belief that one will act in a right, proper, or effective way <have confidence in a leader>”

(www.mirriam-webster.com/dictionary/confidence)

Confidence isn’t necessarily a quality one has or doesn’t have. It is something that must be developed. It is a “feeling,” “consciousness,” “faith,” and mostly, a “belief.” Confidence, simply, is belief in yourself. How could one lose this belief?

We live in an imperfect world. Humans tend to not understand other humans who think or act differently. I know in my life, I have been met with doubters. I was bullied growing up, and in this way, I felt my passions be undermined. I loved the things I did, but I started not to love myself. “Maybe they’re right. Maybe I am weird, too self-absorbed in these things, and even crazy. After all, I’m not like the rest of the people I see around me. There must be something wrong with me.”

These feelings eventually changed into something else. They became a deeply rooted fear of criticism. I began to work really hard, constantly fearing failure. Confidence? I didn’t really have it. I was really good at working hard, but my sense of self would crumble under even the idea of failure. 

I carried doubt with me as I went forward, but deep down, I always had this small voice. That little voice whispered possibilities and passions. It was responsible for me continuing on and doing things the outside world didn’t understand – flute playing and long distance running, what a combination!

I have been blessed with a gift that is a bit of a dual-edged sword. I have the gift to sense the internal worlds of people and to see injustices of how the world works – the small ticks of events that just don’t seem right somehow. Because of this, I am able to open my heart with big words of encouragement to people. There is one problem.

For the longest time, I wasn’t able to show this compassion to myself. Lately, with help from key individuals, I have turned this skill inwards. I saw how several thoughts in my head didn’t match up with the small voice deep down. I now know that the small voice is my confidence. I do have it after all. It has been buried under a deep blanket of memories, injuries, insecurities, false beliefs, and fears. The wounded side of my sensitive self put a barrier over my confidence, because if I didn’t have confidence, if I didn’t show my expectations outwardly, I couldn’t fail, and therefore, I couldn’t let the world hurt me.

My adult self is really getting annoyed with this coping mechanism. The internal voice of endless possibilities and positivity calls to me. It says, “You have a message to share. Please stop shoving it down. Someone really needs to be inspired by you!”

I believe this same wrestling match goes on inside every human being. We fight between conforming for acceptance and therefore being “safe,” or jumping off the cliff of risk and releasing our true selves. I look around me and see a one-sided approach to life. I see many fighting this same internal battle, but the solution they receive from others for their fears is a one-size-fits-all solution. Afraid of performing a piece of music? “Practice more. Your unease must stem from being unprepared.” 

In truth, I believe fears run much deeper than simple solutions. I believe many need to find the small voice of their true selves hiding under their primal defense mechanisms, invite it inside for a cup of tea, make it nice and comfortable, and then interview it.

“Who are you?”

“I am the true you. I am confident and strong.”

“Where have you been?”

“I have been waiting for you to let me out. I love you and see your potential. We’ll probably get a few bruises along the way, but we are going to have a lot of fun!”

This process, I can tell you, is not all rainbows and butterflies. It is deeply painful. It requires a person to look every fear straight in the face and reckon with it. No wonder it is difficult to overcome. It is a lifelong journey of self-discovery.

I am beginning to accept all the things about myself I thought were “weird.” There even are some qualities about myself I find downright annoying, but I know all of it contributes to my gift of an introspective nature. Confidence slowly peeks out of its cage as I realize I am who I am, and nothing anyone says or does can change that. I will fail a few [or several] times, and that is OK. My best contribution to this world comes from releasing my inner self.

“Hello, Confidence. Make yourself at home. Would you like a cup of tea?”

A song to check out: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qj5fMIKe47w