Decisions, Decisions

It happened again today.

I had someone ask me, "Did you find a job yet?"

I responded with the planned answer I've been handing out for weeks now: "I was offered a job, but I turned it down, because I received funding to go to graduate school."

I have a good sense for reading people, and I can tell you, reactions have been mixed. Some are genuinely happy for me and excited that I am moving out of Nebraska for the first time. Others act happy, but I can read that they are actually skeptical and think I made a choice that may lead to disappointment. And then there are a few who have flat-out told me that I will never find employment in the teaching profession if I go on to more school.

There are so many voices out there. And trust me, I have listened to all of them. I listened to them to the point in which I was drowning in the noise. Here is my story:

I am a planner. I like to know, as much and as soon as possible, how everything is going to work out. I began searching for teaching jobs in January (AKA unrealistically early). I was student teaching at the time at a high school that was a 45-minute drive from my house, each way. I had many early mornings and late nights, but I loved the kids I was working with.

Come late March, I was still searching. This is when I received a letter from Oklahoma State offering me a full tuition scholarship plus a stipend to be a graduate assistant and study for my M.M. in Flute Performance and Pedagogy.

Suddenly, my heart was torn in half. Was I going to teach or go to graduate school? The decision almost tore me to pieces.

I went to the UNK job fair soon after I received my letter to check out the Nebraska teaching job market. I had a small school interested in me to teach 2nd-12th vocal and instrumental music. Right before I left, I had a school administrator close to home approach me and talk to me about a job opening there. The job was going to be 5th-12th band and middle school choir: no elementary and no high school choir. Suddenly, I was VERY interested!

By this time, I was about a month into student teaching elementary. The first week of April was super tough. I remember sitting at home during my 30-minute lunch break, deciding that I had reached my stress limit and needed to choose something! I began narrowing down my options. I weighed each teaching option I had against the opportunity to go to Oklahoma State. I cancelled two interviews and scheduled one - all during that 30-minute lunch.

The next day, I made the 2.5 hour drive to Grant, Nebraska to interview for the band director job. Grant is 30 miles from where I went to high school and 40 minutes from my house back home. The school is larger than where I went to school (Class C2), and has a fine reputation for being a high-performing district.

I got to the school building, and immediately, the principal took me to a school car and drove me 10 miles to the middle school in a nearby town. He then drove me 10 miles back to Grant, showed me around the town, and showed me the high school - all before even interviewing me. He was very excited to have a young, enthusiastic person who was thinking about coming back out to southwest Nebraska.

A few hours after leaving, the principal called me and offered me the job. It was a Friday, so I asked for an extension over the weekend. Now, I had a deadline and two concrete options from which to choose.

The job offered me financial security, a "perfect" first job that was close to home and my own high school teacher, and a friendly out-going band director. Graduate school offered me a new adventure in a new state, and opportunities...the thing I didn't like was how unpredictable those opportunities are.

I called up a flute mentor of mine out on the east coast for advice. He told me, "If you go into teaching and you decide you don't like it, can you envision coming home after a long day of work and putting in the practice to go back to school?" I knew the answer was "No," as I had great difficulty getting much practice in during student teaching. I am NOT a night person!

My flute teacher here in Kearney told me something I will never forget. I told her that the flute world is so difficult and rocky and possibly entirely insecure financially. She said, "Life is more than money. A life with beautiful music is the way I want to live."

I had all the advice in the world, and still I was stuck. I finally was left with nothing but my own soul and my God. I peered into myself, and I saw someone who was deeply afraid. I saw a musician who wanted to keep playing, yet also had this deep desire to give back. I loved my music, but wasn't sure I could bear the weight of the stress and commitment. When I quieted the noise of the world and [temporarily] shut down the fear in favor of LISTENING to God, I heard a small whisper:

"Brooke, are you done running away? By the way...I still need you to do this."

A few days later, I decided I was done ruminating over the decision. I signed my letter and dropped it in the mail. I'm going to Oklahoma State!

That night, I was so exhausted from weeks worth of accumulated fatigue that I fell asleep fully clothed. I didn't brush my teeth or hair...I passed out. The next morning, I got up and went to school. And the downslide of the decision hit my only-human body hard: by Tuesday morning, I was sick with a headache and nausea, and developed a fever. I had literally worried myself sick!

I am excited [and still really nervous!] about my decision now. I look back and realize that the main reason I was going to go out into the teaching field right away was for the security of it. That's not a way to live. I want to live a bold, outgoing life. I don't want to regret not accepting a blessing that God has set up for me. The amazing thing is, even if I didn't accept this blessing, God had ANOTHER amazing blessing waiting in the wings. Either way I went, I had God's safety net wrapping me up. That's an amazing thought.

I tend to be a people-pleaser, which is why I often get caught up in asking the world for advice. I remember one other time in which I truly listened to my own calling and the voice of the Lord. I was a high schooler, and I had been recruited to run middle distance for UNK. Cross country came with the package. I never had ran cross country and there was a time conflict with marching band - a tough schedule for a freshman! So many musicians over the years told me to stop competing in running and focus on music. I couldn't listen to them; the pull to run as a student-athlete and be a musician was too strong. And you know what? Both turned out quite well.

When I see people I respect and admire asking me about my decision, I still get a twinge inside. I feel like I am letting some people down with my decision, that I am "abandoning" the high calling of being a Nebraska music educator. But I have a pull in me that I need to go ahead and try something new. I believe God will bless following that voice.

The great thing is that now, I can be more grateful for the opportunity which I have accepted. I turned down another fantastic opportunity to pursue more education...and I will be the first to tell you that it was a sacrifice. Either way I went involved sacrifice before opportunity. In order to make such a sacrifice, love had to be involved.

I love my flute and my music. I have a huge passion for unlocking EXPRESSION in people's playing. Music is so much more than notes and rhythms and I know I have a special gift for communicating a message. I also want to help people who, just like me, have suffered from stage fright. I finally am beginning to experience a glimmer of freedom in my playing, and I want to continue finding that freedom so I can show others that it is possible to overcome our fears in life.

The more I follow the voice of my Lord, the more freedom I will find. Am I still afraid, doubtful? Quite  frequently. Yet, I already sense a difference in my playing. I accept where I am more and know I have so much room for growth. I believe love is a great force, and through grace, my God will never let me down.

"There is no fear in love, but perfect love casts out fear." ~ 1 John 4:18