What Now?

In October, I sat down to write out my thoughts.  I didn't know what I was meant to do with my career, but I did know that when I thought about applying for a doctorate degree, something felt wrong.

I wrote a blog post called "Why I'm Not Getting My Doctorate [Yet]." I never published it. My intuition was starting to tell me that a break from school was needed, but I wanted to be sure. I took the auditions anyway.

I learned a lot from these auditions. I walked around New York City for the first time. It amazes me that the flute has taken me from rural Nebraska to so many amazing places.

I got into school. Yet, I still had this weight on my spirit, telling me now is not the time. I wasn't ready to commit to a terminal degree. I declined.

The DMA track isn't the path for me right now. It might be in a couple years (time will tell). I have had to look inside myself to see what is the path for me to follow. What do I want out of my career in music?

1) to help others learn and inspire them as people
2) to keep improving at the things I love to do
3) to stay true to my personality

I have been practicing orchestra excerpts for an audition. Usually, I am very motivated by opportunities that pass my way and work my way toward them. However, this time has been different. I've been struggling to get myself to practice them. I have had tension in my body. What is the cause of this mental and physical discomfort?

I believe that as humans, we are interconnected beings. The mental, physical, and spiritual are intertwined. If one is out of balance, the rest will follow. The fact that I am mentally unfocused and physically tired shows that my spirit is also imbalanced.

I stop to look inside of myself. I feel the same kind of weight I did back in October. Preparing for this audition isn't right. What is?

The answer to this question is to be determined. I have theories. Perhaps I am tired and just this audition isn't for me. Maybe pursuing a career in a professional ensemble isn't for me at all.

I have a bigger theory. The heaviest weight I feel is this expectation to be this great, impressive musician, to make people proud and happy. The approval weight, this need for a "good job, well done," is what really needs to be lifted. It is what blocks me from becoming the musician I want to be, not what I perceive others think I should be.

Music is a journey of self-exploration. I have discovered so much about myself as a person by studying music - what my weaknesses are, and strengths I didn't even know I had. I want to help others find this joy and to let my music breathe. I need to rediscover music,  to lift a pressuring weight off my shoulders and discover where my role fits.

I am a believer in the idea that everything in the universe has purpose. We all are being led somewhere of importance, a place where we can best influence and impact the world. I believe my purpose right now is to stay here in Oklahoma, to help and inspire the people right where I am.