Goodbye, Flute. Goodbye, Teeth.

It's currently 1:35 A.M. I am hardly ever awake at this time of night. Usually, around 11 or so, I have zonked out into dreamland for the evening.

However, almost two days ago, I had wisdom teeth surgery. Full knock-ya-out anesthesia. Lots of pain medications to take home. Ever since, I've spent most of my time in bed.

Thankfully, I'm a bit of an anomaly and only had three wisdom teeth - two on top and one on bottom. This is a good thing, because the trouble teeth that normally cause people the most pain upon extraction are the bottom ones. This means that, post-sleep-all-I-want-alternating-with-Netflix-for-two-days, I am wide awake at an inconvenient time. After eating semi-solid food for the first time in a couple days (chicken pot pie, yes!), I sat down to work on my website, which I've finished! You can access it here: http://harrisbr2.wix.com/bhflute#!home/mainPage. I bought the domain name bhflute.com, but I found out (after purchasing it, argh...), that I can't transfer it to my website for 60 days. Yay. For now, the strange, non-memorable site name will have to do.

I am actually quite surprised at how quickly I seem to be recovering from wisdom teeth surgery. It's been less than two days, and my energy is coming back to me. My appetite came back earlier and I ate a lot of the soft food in my fridge! I haven't hurt too much...the strong pain pills the doctor gave me took care of the pain yesterday, and I don't have much today. I am hoping to be able to play my flute again within a couple more days!

Speaking of flute, I went to my first Texas Flute Society festival last weekend. I had the privilege of playing in a masterclass and observing the great amount of flute talent there is in Texas. I saw flutists from middle school on up who blew me away with their performances! It made me realize how much great talent there is in the world. The job of each individual is not to be "the best," but to take our unique strengths and use them for good. It is easy to forget this and instead, like I admittedly did for awhile, get overwhelmed by the large amount of talent and feel unimportant.

Jean-Pierre Rampal made a great point about this over-focus on competition when he said, "Nobody is the best. It is impossible to be 'the best.' You can be the best if you are a sportsman, but art cannot be measured. You cannot say, 'He is the best pianist, the best violinist in the world.' It's nonsense."

The last couple days of forced rest have helped me to work through this "small" feeling and realize that all of us are here for a reason. We may not know exactly what it is right away, but God lays it out, step-by-step, one day at a time. I remember a moment in which I really understood this idea. I was out jogging around the lake by my house one morning and took this picture of the sunrise:

Later, I summed up my thoughts about this moment with the following quote: "The size of the Universe should comfort us. It reminds us we are only a small part of a big plan. It also shows us God has our small part under control."

I have a very blessed life, and I am thankful.

Oh, you might be wondering about the "Goodbye, Flute" part of this post title. I left my flute in Texas to be completely overhauled. It never has been in its best playing condition since I bought it, as I got it used and never replaced its old Straubinger pads with new ones. The flute will be gone for 4-6 weeks but should play quite nicely when it returns. Until then, I have a little more teeth recovery to do before playing the studio flute until mine comes back from the shop, good as new.

It's now 2:19 A.M. I'm feeling pretty calm and content with life right now. Of course, that could be a combination of the late night time and the Vicodin the oral surgeon gave me to take. But that's another story...

Goodnight, world.

After the Finish Line

April was a really good month for me. I think at least part of that is due to how early spring arrives here in Oklahoma. I was surprised to see flowers by mid-April and full leaves by the end of the month. Spring temperatures, colors, and sunshine always revive me.

I played my first graduate recital on April 12th. It went better than any recital that I've ever played before. Although I have a long ways to go, and I still got nervous, it was definitely a big step in the right direction.

Soon after my recital, I discovered that I won a competition that allows me play at the National Flute Association convention in August. I first auditioned for this three years ago and didn't get in. This was one of my major goals for the year, so I was on pins and needles waiting for the results to come out. And I'm in!

At the end of April, I ran the Oklahoma City Half Marathon. I have been running 4-6 days a week since November. I started because I took significant time off running and discovered I missed it, and my physical and mental health both needed a nice endorphin boost! I finished the race...it was very tough! A rain delay held the race back by almost two hours. It was a warm, humid day...70 degrees, which is about my maximum tolerance level. I walked quite a bit, but still managed to finish in 1:46 (8:06 per mile). I got 14th out of 751 in my age group, so not too shabby!

On top of all of these fun things, I finished my 15 page term paper, turned in my final project for another class, finished up ensembles, and with all of this behind me, I am about to cross the finish line of my first year of graduate school.

This week, I found myself tired and demotivated in general. I thought it was just fatigue from the race, but it has continued throughout the week. I found myself berating myself, asking...what's wrong with me?...Why am I not using my time more wisely?...Why is practicing not fun?

I stepped back and stopped to think. This has happened many times to me before. In fact, summer is often a difficult season for me, as my structured schedule disappears. Usually I let the disarray occur and sit back, watching time go by.

Today, I thought about the end of the half marathon...the celebration...the feeling of accomplishment....and I realized I usually fail to plan the answer to an important question...

What happens AFTER the finish line?

I get so caught up in the process of working toward the goal that I forget there is life after the goal! I have to continue to make goals to strive for, otherwise, it is no surprise that I taper off and feel demotivated. I never really thought about this before, as my adrenaline junkie self would wait for the "right" goal and get consumed in the efforts of reaching it.

Life isn't a mountain after all.

It is more like a staircase to heaven. One goal = one step, not the end all. The staircase doesn't end in this lifetime. Continued goals are needed to keep moving forward.

I found this picture on Twitter not too long ago, and I found it inspiring:

Another thing that I tend to forget is that you can't sprint up a staircase and expect to last very long. Sometimes, you need to sit on the stair and think, process, evaluate, and rest. The brain needs to absorb the fruits of one goal before processing information in the next. In this fast-paced, workaholic society, it is easy to forget that down times are not only OK, but necessary. I couldn't run a marathon every week and expect my body to recover, so I don't know why I often expect my mind to constantly move forward and absorb new information before it's ready.

 It is often after these creative dry spells that I make a big jump in progress. I didn't stop learning during these times (like it felt like), but my brain connected the dots in the information so I was able to use it in a concrete way.

I'm going to take my white space and start painting on it. I spent $100 on new running gear. I'm going to buy new flute music. I'll write a new workout training plan. I'll set goals. And I'll come back strong.

When you hit the finish line, enjoy it. Savor every bit of hard work that went into reaching your goal. ALLOW YOURSELF TO RECOVER, even if that means feeling like the laziest person in the world for a week. Just don't stay there. Use the down time to create a new game plan. Dream about all the fresh possibilities waiting for you to discover. Find a new "finish line," keep it in perspective as just another step, and go chase it!