Thursday, May 30, 2013
My Favorite YouTube Video
Tonight is one of those "watch-YouTube-videos" kind of nights.
I was feeling a little "blah," so I was looking for some motivation. I always seem to find this video. It is my favorite video of all the millions of videos on YouTube. It is about Ryan Hall, an American professional distance runner. In this video, Ryan talks about his conversion from wanting to succeed at running so badly, in a sense, worshiping running success, to running for Christ.
As a runner, I often correlate running with my music. I love to make cross-connections. Many things that Ryan says about running in this video apply to me in my music, and when I am discouraged, there is nothing quite like this video to refocus me. Below are a few quotes Ryan says, and what I gather from them:
"I was frustrated with life. I wanted to go to the Olympics so badly and had worked so hard for my goal, yet despite all my efforts, it didn't matter. Here I was, four years later, watching others live my dream. It was a devastating time in my life, but God used it to teach me some very important lessons. He taught me that running had become my God. Even though I knew Jesus, I wasn't looking to Him to find the satisfaction I was so desperately seeking. My sense of worth and my joy was totally dependent on how well I was running. The result of having running as my God was frustration, worry, depression, and discontentment with life."
Insert "flute playing" for "running" in the above paragraph, and I have been there. I have often placed so much worth on how well I was playing that I became discouraged and depressed when things weren't living up to my unrealistic expectations.
"I had become like the rich man, who, when asked how much money was enough, replied, 'A little more.'"
I, too, have troubles enjoying my successes, because I am already living years ahead of now at the end of my goals. But Christ calls me to live here and trust Him day by day. How do we do this?
"I am convinced that the good life is a life of discipline, following hard after Christ...I feel God calling me to run free, free from having to make the team, free from the need to prove myself, free from the worries of this world, free to run with passion and praise for God, free to pour myself out for Him, not for me."
This is such a difficult task. It's easy for the logical side of my brain to take over and say, "You have to do this-and-this or you won't be good enough, you won't get a good job, you will be a failure." But I know these things are worried lies of this world. My God CREATED the world and He will take care of all of us! Let's live free!
"There is only one person who can say they are the best in the world, and they can only boast of this for a short time. So what does this mean for the rest of us, who believe and strive to be the best in the world, yet fall short of our goal? If we can't accomplish our goal, does this make us all failures? Are 99% of the people out there wasting their lives because they never made it to the top? Of course not. The hope I want to encourage you with is that we all can run with him and experience a joy more fulfilling than any performance or accomplishment we can dream of. We can all have the satisfying, abundant life that Christ promised us."
I love this quote. Ryan reminds me that it's all about Christ. I want the life the Lord gave me to shine through in all I do. My music is just a tool to communicate and help other people find joy. I continue to work, step by step, to take hold of my joy. How about you?
Three Dances for Two Flutes and Piano Gary Schocker Luis Alfredo Gonzale...
The middle movement of this duo always makes me feel introspective and a bit teary. I admire Gary Schocker so much!!
Tuesday, May 21, 2013
My Flute
This morning, I am listening to various flute recordings that I have from throughout college. It is interesting and rewarding to see the growth in my playing. I was surprised to listen to recordings from late 2011 - these recordings were taken less than 2 years ago, but I know there is a mile of difference between my playing now and my playing then. This recognition re-boosted my confidence in my flute track and where I'm going with my playing. I give myself credit that I have come a long way in my flute playing, and while I am nowhere near where I would like to be, I have the potential to continue to make big leaps in my level of playing.
I just turned on a recording from my senior recital last October, and the difference from this and my 2011 recordings, one year prior, is like night and day. I sound more confident and have a direction to my music.
As I listen to these recordings, I would like to reflect on the main tool that aided me in making my leaps forward - my flute!
The story of how I got my current flute goes back to the year 2000. I was 10 years old at the time, fresh out of 4th grade, and ready to start band in the fall! My family rented my first flute from Lou Kraus Music in Ogallala, NE. We found me a beautiful beginner model Yamaha, which I loved and served me well for almost 7 years. For a beginner model, this instrument truly was high quality. I wish I still remembered the model it was, for I would recommend it to any young flutist! This flute was simple enough that I was able to play it at a young age, yet high-quality enough that I made it into the Nebraska All-State band with it. I eventually traded it in to help offset the cost of upgrading to an intermediate model. Surprisingly, like the pet stories you hear every now and then, it "returned" to me. A young girl moved to Wallace and wanted to play flute in the band. The flute she rented out? MY OLD FLUTE! :)
Toward the end of my junior year in high school, I knew I needed a flute upgrade. Going to all-state band and being the ONLY flutist without an open-holed flute was a humbling experience. I upgraded to a Yamaha 381 model (pictured below). I remember being attracted to the gold-colored lip plate. Later, I found out that the gold plating there probably didn't make any sort of difference in my sound. Oh well, it was pretty!
The Yamaha 381 was "amazing" to me for a couple years only. Then, I realized that it really was sort of a junky flute compared to what is out there! I had no idea of this, as I remember the Yamaha was the nicest instrument in the store in North Platte, NE.
However, the Yamaha was nice enough that I managed to get accepted to play at the 2010 National Flute Association's Collegiate Flute Choir. This was my chance!!!! There were going to be flutes GALORE there, and I knew it was time to FINALLY invest in a professional model.
I had no idea how much these flutes really costed until the convention. I remember setting a budget for myself of around $6,500 (the amount of money in my entire summer job life savings...) to get a new flute.
I walked up to the Brannen Brothers table at convention and told them my budget range. They kindly told me that their prices STARTED at $11,000 and gave me a water bottle. I took my souvenir and walked away.
I tried a few more flutes. I did find a Muramatsu heavy-wall flute for around my $6,500 budget that I liked. Yet, there was something not quite right about it. I had a feeling there might be something better out there for me.
I admitted to myself that there was no way I was going to be able to afford a flute that cost me over 10 grand. My solution? I went out to the used flutes board to see what I could find for a cheaper price "behind-the-scenes." I looked the board over and spotted an advertisement for one of those fancy Brannen flutes that I had seen for such high prices in the display room. The list price for one of the flutes out here on the board was $9,000 - still over my budgetary range, but I wanted to at least check it out.
I called the number of the owner and set up a testing. Now, my flute teacher from here in Nebraska was originally from Germany and a student of world-renowned flutist Michael Faust. Mr. Faust happened to be at the convention and was willing to check out this used flute I was about to purchase to make sure the price was fair.
This was one of those moments I will never forget. I was meeting in a hotel room with the owner of the flute, my teacher, and Michael Faust. I remember feeling chills and thoughts of, "Is this actually happening???" What a special day!
Mr. Faust determined that $9,000 was over-charging for the flute. He found out the owner had originally bought the flute back in 2000 for $7,500, and since flutes don't appreciate in value, that $9,000 was far too much to ask. Now, it was possible that I might be able to get this flute! I gave it a day or two to think before blowing my life savings.
Finally, on the last day of the convention, I decided I wanted to talk to the owner about potentially purchasing her Brannen. I met her in the lobby of the convention hotel and attempted to bargain down the price. "$8,500," she said. I told her I couldn't pay any more than $8,000. I was going to pay my $6,500 in savings, and my parents were going to spot me the rest. She looked unsure, but then agreed.
The feeling I had in that moment is one I will never forget. I remember my stomach feeling as if it had fallen down straight to the floor, and reality pausing for a moment in time. I really had just spent EVERYTHING...on this flute. We paid the owner the money, and I sat down with my brand new (to me!), shiny, solid sterling silver flute. I looked at it and let the reality wash over me. I had never imagined I would own an instrument this nice before. Below is a photo of my Brannen Millennium flute.
.jpg)
Are there better flutes in the world than the one I purchased? Of course. But I feel so blessed to have my flute. Three years later, I can reflect back and acknowledge that without this flute, I wouldn't have made it this far. I definitely wouldn't have the opportunity to be moving to Oklahoma if I hadn't purchased it. And while it can be a pain (I normally have to take it in for repairs every 6 months), I love my flute.
Speaking of my flute, I had better dig out some music and practice! If you have read this far, thanks for following my blog!
I just turned on a recording from my senior recital last October, and the difference from this and my 2011 recordings, one year prior, is like night and day. I sound more confident and have a direction to my music.
As I listen to these recordings, I would like to reflect on the main tool that aided me in making my leaps forward - my flute!
The story of how I got my current flute goes back to the year 2000. I was 10 years old at the time, fresh out of 4th grade, and ready to start band in the fall! My family rented my first flute from Lou Kraus Music in Ogallala, NE. We found me a beautiful beginner model Yamaha, which I loved and served me well for almost 7 years. For a beginner model, this instrument truly was high quality. I wish I still remembered the model it was, for I would recommend it to any young flutist! This flute was simple enough that I was able to play it at a young age, yet high-quality enough that I made it into the Nebraska All-State band with it. I eventually traded it in to help offset the cost of upgrading to an intermediate model. Surprisingly, like the pet stories you hear every now and then, it "returned" to me. A young girl moved to Wallace and wanted to play flute in the band. The flute she rented out? MY OLD FLUTE! :)
Toward the end of my junior year in high school, I knew I needed a flute upgrade. Going to all-state band and being the ONLY flutist without an open-holed flute was a humbling experience. I upgraded to a Yamaha 381 model (pictured below). I remember being attracted to the gold-colored lip plate. Later, I found out that the gold plating there probably didn't make any sort of difference in my sound. Oh well, it was pretty!
The Yamaha 381 was "amazing" to me for a couple years only. Then, I realized that it really was sort of a junky flute compared to what is out there! I had no idea of this, as I remember the Yamaha was the nicest instrument in the store in North Platte, NE.
However, the Yamaha was nice enough that I managed to get accepted to play at the 2010 National Flute Association's Collegiate Flute Choir. This was my chance!!!! There were going to be flutes GALORE there, and I knew it was time to FINALLY invest in a professional model.
I had no idea how much these flutes really costed until the convention. I remember setting a budget for myself of around $6,500 (the amount of money in my entire summer job life savings...) to get a new flute.
I walked up to the Brannen Brothers table at convention and told them my budget range. They kindly told me that their prices STARTED at $11,000 and gave me a water bottle. I took my souvenir and walked away.
I tried a few more flutes. I did find a Muramatsu heavy-wall flute for around my $6,500 budget that I liked. Yet, there was something not quite right about it. I had a feeling there might be something better out there for me.
I admitted to myself that there was no way I was going to be able to afford a flute that cost me over 10 grand. My solution? I went out to the used flutes board to see what I could find for a cheaper price "behind-the-scenes." I looked the board over and spotted an advertisement for one of those fancy Brannen flutes that I had seen for such high prices in the display room. The list price for one of the flutes out here on the board was $9,000 - still over my budgetary range, but I wanted to at least check it out.
I called the number of the owner and set up a testing. Now, my flute teacher from here in Nebraska was originally from Germany and a student of world-renowned flutist Michael Faust. Mr. Faust happened to be at the convention and was willing to check out this used flute I was about to purchase to make sure the price was fair.
This was one of those moments I will never forget. I was meeting in a hotel room with the owner of the flute, my teacher, and Michael Faust. I remember feeling chills and thoughts of, "Is this actually happening???" What a special day!
Mr. Faust determined that $9,000 was over-charging for the flute. He found out the owner had originally bought the flute back in 2000 for $7,500, and since flutes don't appreciate in value, that $9,000 was far too much to ask. Now, it was possible that I might be able to get this flute! I gave it a day or two to think before blowing my life savings.
Finally, on the last day of the convention, I decided I wanted to talk to the owner about potentially purchasing her Brannen. I met her in the lobby of the convention hotel and attempted to bargain down the price. "$8,500," she said. I told her I couldn't pay any more than $8,000. I was going to pay my $6,500 in savings, and my parents were going to spot me the rest. She looked unsure, but then agreed.
The feeling I had in that moment is one I will never forget. I remember my stomach feeling as if it had fallen down straight to the floor, and reality pausing for a moment in time. I really had just spent EVERYTHING...on this flute. We paid the owner the money, and I sat down with my brand new (to me!), shiny, solid sterling silver flute. I looked at it and let the reality wash over me. I had never imagined I would own an instrument this nice before. Below is a photo of my Brannen Millennium flute.
.jpg)
Are there better flutes in the world than the one I purchased? Of course. But I feel so blessed to have my flute. Three years later, I can reflect back and acknowledge that without this flute, I wouldn't have made it this far. I definitely wouldn't have the opportunity to be moving to Oklahoma if I hadn't purchased it. And while it can be a pain (I normally have to take it in for repairs every 6 months), I love my flute.
Speaking of my flute, I had better dig out some music and practice! If you have read this far, thanks for following my blog!
Monday, May 13, 2013
We Learn As We Grow
My new flute teacher and I planned out my summer today via phone call. I hung up the phone after talk about repertoire, technique exercises, orchestral excerpts, competitions, and places to live. I had a mixture of feelings: a bit of excitement, a LOT of nervousness. As I think about it a few hours later, this experience reminded me a lot of my sophomore year of high school:
I never was very good at sports growing up. My three sisters were. But I always went around, assuming I was the un-athletic kid. I worked hard, yet I warmed a lot of benches. I learned in junior high that I was decently fast. That's the only athletic gift I had. I would win some second place ribbons at the junior high track meets, but never any of the coveted blue ribbons.
One day in practice sophomore year, we were running 600s around our football field, and my track coach saw a spark. He approached me and told me he was going to enter me in the 800. I had been racing the the 200, 100 hurdles, 300 hurdles, and 4x400 relay at the time, and here my coach was, telling me to run a mid-distance event! I listened and agreed to give it a shot.
When race day came and the gun went off, I did what I knew best: I ran - hard. One lap, then another. I finished in 2:27 for my first 800. This was state qualifying material for Class D in Nebraska. My coach kept me there! I ended up winning the next meet (districts) and was off to state in Omaha!
I don't remember everything about the events leading up to that race, but I have vivid memories of bits and pieces. I remember sitting at my kitchen table Wednesday (before the Saturday race in Omaha), putting my head down on the table, and crying. Why? I felt so overwhelmed. Here I was, a scrawny 120 lb, 15 year old, the "un-athletic kid," from a place with more cattle than people, and I was about to go to Omaha Burke High School to run in front of thousands of spectators. I had ran the 800 twice.
The other memory I have is from the end of the state race. I'm running, the crowd is cheering, and I'm nearing the final turn. I'm running out of energy, and I'm still overwhelmed. I tripped a little on the railing that lined the inside of the track. And I finished second-to-last in my heat, 18th out of 24 overall.
Something happened the next year. As a junior, I came back more confident, and my times started cutting down, with a peak of 2:21 and a 3rd place finish at state. My senior year, I finished second at state in the 800 and was a mile state champion.
How does any of this relate to where I am now? Well, I feel like that 10th grader, sitting at my table. I feel overwhelmed. I am about to dive into a world that contains a plethora of talented flutists. "I'm just a girl from rural Nebraska," has often crossed my mind. I have tripped several times already and still don't feel entirely comfortable.
The great thing is that I remember what happened after the discomfort of discovering a talent. Initially, I dealt with success by being afraid. Why? Because that success also meant responsibility. It meant believing that I had the ability to compete with others in a higher tier who were also talented. And the better I got, the better the competition got. I had my share of folding, but I also learned that yes, I was able to adjust and become one of the running crowd, to the point of being a leader on a college team.
As I sit here in Nebraska, anticipating what is ahead, I keep the bigger picture in mind. I know that in flute playing, I will adjust and continue to grow. I will become more comfortable in a community of talent and stop to acknowledge that if I made it this far, I must have some talent, too.
The most important lesson, in retrospect, that I learned from my past experiences with running is that, in the end, none of the results from a statistical standpoint really mattered. What did matter is that I pushed myself to be the best I could be, that I used the potential God gave me, simply because He gave it to me. I seek the same goal in music.
_________________________________________________________________________________
"Therefore, since we are surrounded by such a great cloud of witnesses, let us throw off everything that hinders and the sin that so easily entangles. Let us run with perseverance the race marked out for us, fixing our eyes on Jesus, the leader and perfecter of faith. For the joy set before Him, He endured the cross, scorning its shame, and sat down at the right hand of the throne of God." ~ Hebrews 12:1-2
I never was very good at sports growing up. My three sisters were. But I always went around, assuming I was the un-athletic kid. I worked hard, yet I warmed a lot of benches. I learned in junior high that I was decently fast. That's the only athletic gift I had. I would win some second place ribbons at the junior high track meets, but never any of the coveted blue ribbons.
One day in practice sophomore year, we were running 600s around our football field, and my track coach saw a spark. He approached me and told me he was going to enter me in the 800. I had been racing the the 200, 100 hurdles, 300 hurdles, and 4x400 relay at the time, and here my coach was, telling me to run a mid-distance event! I listened and agreed to give it a shot.
When race day came and the gun went off, I did what I knew best: I ran - hard. One lap, then another. I finished in 2:27 for my first 800. This was state qualifying material for Class D in Nebraska. My coach kept me there! I ended up winning the next meet (districts) and was off to state in Omaha!
I don't remember everything about the events leading up to that race, but I have vivid memories of bits and pieces. I remember sitting at my kitchen table Wednesday (before the Saturday race in Omaha), putting my head down on the table, and crying. Why? I felt so overwhelmed. Here I was, a scrawny 120 lb, 15 year old, the "un-athletic kid," from a place with more cattle than people, and I was about to go to Omaha Burke High School to run in front of thousands of spectators. I had ran the 800 twice.
The other memory I have is from the end of the state race. I'm running, the crowd is cheering, and I'm nearing the final turn. I'm running out of energy, and I'm still overwhelmed. I tripped a little on the railing that lined the inside of the track. And I finished second-to-last in my heat, 18th out of 24 overall.
Something happened the next year. As a junior, I came back more confident, and my times started cutting down, with a peak of 2:21 and a 3rd place finish at state. My senior year, I finished second at state in the 800 and was a mile state champion.
How does any of this relate to where I am now? Well, I feel like that 10th grader, sitting at my table. I feel overwhelmed. I am about to dive into a world that contains a plethora of talented flutists. "I'm just a girl from rural Nebraska," has often crossed my mind. I have tripped several times already and still don't feel entirely comfortable.
The great thing is that I remember what happened after the discomfort of discovering a talent. Initially, I dealt with success by being afraid. Why? Because that success also meant responsibility. It meant believing that I had the ability to compete with others in a higher tier who were also talented. And the better I got, the better the competition got. I had my share of folding, but I also learned that yes, I was able to adjust and become one of the running crowd, to the point of being a leader on a college team.
As I sit here in Nebraska, anticipating what is ahead, I keep the bigger picture in mind. I know that in flute playing, I will adjust and continue to grow. I will become more comfortable in a community of talent and stop to acknowledge that if I made it this far, I must have some talent, too.
The most important lesson, in retrospect, that I learned from my past experiences with running is that, in the end, none of the results from a statistical standpoint really mattered. What did matter is that I pushed myself to be the best I could be, that I used the potential God gave me, simply because He gave it to me. I seek the same goal in music.
_________________________________________________________________________________
"Therefore, since we are surrounded by such a great cloud of witnesses, let us throw off everything that hinders and the sin that so easily entangles. Let us run with perseverance the race marked out for us, fixing our eyes on Jesus, the leader and perfecter of faith. For the joy set before Him, He endured the cross, scorning its shame, and sat down at the right hand of the throne of God." ~ Hebrews 12:1-2
Tuesday, May 7, 2013
For the Love of the Game
I was talking to my dad recently. The conversation went something like this:
Me: "I'm going to Lincoln this weekend."
Dad: "What for?"
"I'm running the Lincoln Half Marathon. I didn't train for it, but I paid $60 for it, so I'm going to run it!!"
"I wouldn't pay to run 13 miles. You couldn't pay ME enough to run 13 miles!"
Motivation...it's a funny thing. I think most of us start doing a task because something about the activity interests us. We keep doing it for awhile because we find out we're good at it and get some sort of extrinsic motivator. We improve, win a race, get a compliment.
Somewhere down the line, extrinsic motivation becomes not enough to keep carrying us through. Yes, we can keep doing a job for the money as long as we push ourselves through it, but the fire for it will die unless we find it intrinsically motivating.
I am not your average person. If I love something, I find any way possible to fit it into my life. This is how I managed to fit the running/flute/school combo into my college schedule. Contrarily, if I don't like something (cooking and cleaning, cough cough...), I tend to avoid it until I really need to do it.
I will admit, I am an achievement-oriented person. I really like being good at stuff. This carried me through most of college.
Recently, I have noticed a shift in the way I approach things. I'm not playing my flute just to be really good at it anymore...How do I know this? Because of sacrifice. The sacrifice of a well-paying job in my field to continue to pursue my life as a musician showed me something deeper.
This week, I have been looking for a summer job to make a little extra cash before I start graduate school. I've filled out five applications. I have discovered that it is quite difficult to get a low-key job after graduating with a degree! Now, an employer just has to look at my education history and know that I am only going to be a temporary employee. I had an interview today. It was the shortest interview I've ever had: 10 minutes. The last question was, "What are your plans for the next two years?" I had to tell them about graduate school coming up. That seemed to shut down the interview pretty quickly, and I'm not holding my breath.
I have another job interview soon at a store that doesn't require a high school degree to work there. I keep thinking about the teaching job I was offered and how I wouldn't have to ever go through this process again if I would have taken one. And then, more of the weight of my love of music hit me. One doesn't go looking for low-key, likely minimum wage jobs after graduation without a driving force behind it. Mine isn't fame, or money, or accolades, but simply...an intrinsic love to keep learning more about my music.
I was browsing musicalchairs.info awhile ago, because I was curious about the pay for orchestral musicians. I clicked on the Seattle Symphony advertisement for a 3rd flute, and it was only somewhere around $10,000 for the year. Yet, I know that HUNDREDS of flutists practiced hours and hours to try to get that position. I stopped to wonder, "Why?" And it hit me even harder that musicians, like me, don't do any of this because it will make us financially secure. We do it because it is what makes us the most happy. We do it FOR THE LOVE OF THE GAME.
Running a half marathon this past weekend reminded me of the correlation between music and athletics. I thought about the conversation with my dad, how he didn't understand why I would pay to run 13 miles! I thought about all the half and full marathoners there, about WHY runners would do this. Why put ourselves through THOUSANDS of miles of training and then pay to put ourselves through pain? And it hit me even harder that runners like me, don't do any of this because it will make us win first place in the race. We do it because it is what makes us the most happy. We do it FOR THE LOVE OF THE GAME.
I am beginning to become more proud of myself than I have ever been. I am proud of myself for following who I am and not letting the lure of money tear me away so easily. I have my whole life to earn money. For now, it's a season to keep chasing the things I love. I hope you all do the same.
I would like to end a quote from one of my favorite flutists on this topic:
"We are musicians for the simple-yet-hard-to-understand reason that this is WHO we are. There is no choice in the matter. It's not based on anticipated income, fame, fortune, or any other criteria that society uses to measure our impact as individuals. Talent is talent. It is a God-given grace to us. It is WHO we are, not WHAT we are, that is important.
'The crucial issue is to look in the mirror carefully and ask yourself what gives you the most pleasure, the most fulfillment. It is not about succeeding or failing. You can have every assurance that if you follow that voice within that says what gives you the most personal sense of achievement, that's what you do. In the end, you are only going to find that sense of accomplishment by 'following your heart,' as the saying goes."
-- Brooks de Wetter-Smith, Professor of Flute, University of North Carolina-Charlotte
Me: "I'm going to Lincoln this weekend."
Dad: "What for?"
"I'm running the Lincoln Half Marathon. I didn't train for it, but I paid $60 for it, so I'm going to run it!!"
"I wouldn't pay to run 13 miles. You couldn't pay ME enough to run 13 miles!"
Motivation...it's a funny thing. I think most of us start doing a task because something about the activity interests us. We keep doing it for awhile because we find out we're good at it and get some sort of extrinsic motivator. We improve, win a race, get a compliment.
Somewhere down the line, extrinsic motivation becomes not enough to keep carrying us through. Yes, we can keep doing a job for the money as long as we push ourselves through it, but the fire for it will die unless we find it intrinsically motivating.
I am not your average person. If I love something, I find any way possible to fit it into my life. This is how I managed to fit the running/flute/school combo into my college schedule. Contrarily, if I don't like something (cooking and cleaning, cough cough...), I tend to avoid it until I really need to do it.
I will admit, I am an achievement-oriented person. I really like being good at stuff. This carried me through most of college.
Recently, I have noticed a shift in the way I approach things. I'm not playing my flute just to be really good at it anymore...How do I know this? Because of sacrifice. The sacrifice of a well-paying job in my field to continue to pursue my life as a musician showed me something deeper.
This week, I have been looking for a summer job to make a little extra cash before I start graduate school. I've filled out five applications. I have discovered that it is quite difficult to get a low-key job after graduating with a degree! Now, an employer just has to look at my education history and know that I am only going to be a temporary employee. I had an interview today. It was the shortest interview I've ever had: 10 minutes. The last question was, "What are your plans for the next two years?" I had to tell them about graduate school coming up. That seemed to shut down the interview pretty quickly, and I'm not holding my breath.
I have another job interview soon at a store that doesn't require a high school degree to work there. I keep thinking about the teaching job I was offered and how I wouldn't have to ever go through this process again if I would have taken one. And then, more of the weight of my love of music hit me. One doesn't go looking for low-key, likely minimum wage jobs after graduation without a driving force behind it. Mine isn't fame, or money, or accolades, but simply...an intrinsic love to keep learning more about my music.
I was browsing musicalchairs.info awhile ago, because I was curious about the pay for orchestral musicians. I clicked on the Seattle Symphony advertisement for a 3rd flute, and it was only somewhere around $10,000 for the year. Yet, I know that HUNDREDS of flutists practiced hours and hours to try to get that position. I stopped to wonder, "Why?" And it hit me even harder that musicians, like me, don't do any of this because it will make us financially secure. We do it because it is what makes us the most happy. We do it FOR THE LOVE OF THE GAME.
Running a half marathon this past weekend reminded me of the correlation between music and athletics. I thought about the conversation with my dad, how he didn't understand why I would pay to run 13 miles! I thought about all the half and full marathoners there, about WHY runners would do this. Why put ourselves through THOUSANDS of miles of training and then pay to put ourselves through pain? And it hit me even harder that runners like me, don't do any of this because it will make us win first place in the race. We do it because it is what makes us the most happy. We do it FOR THE LOVE OF THE GAME.
I am beginning to become more proud of myself than I have ever been. I am proud of myself for following who I am and not letting the lure of money tear me away so easily. I have my whole life to earn money. For now, it's a season to keep chasing the things I love. I hope you all do the same.
I would like to end a quote from one of my favorite flutists on this topic:
"We are musicians for the simple-yet-hard-to-understand reason that this is WHO we are. There is no choice in the matter. It's not based on anticipated income, fame, fortune, or any other criteria that society uses to measure our impact as individuals. Talent is talent. It is a God-given grace to us. It is WHO we are, not WHAT we are, that is important.
'The crucial issue is to look in the mirror carefully and ask yourself what gives you the most pleasure, the most fulfillment. It is not about succeeding or failing. You can have every assurance that if you follow that voice within that says what gives you the most personal sense of achievement, that's what you do. In the end, you are only going to find that sense of accomplishment by 'following your heart,' as the saying goes."
-- Brooks de Wetter-Smith, Professor of Flute, University of North Carolina-Charlotte
Saturday, May 4, 2013
Decisions, Decisions
It happened again today.
I had someone ask me, "Did you find a job yet?"
I responded with the planned answer I've been handing out for weeks now: "I was offered a job, but I turned it down, because I received funding to go to graduate school."
I have a good sense for reading people, and I can tell you, reactions have been mixed. Some are genuinely happy for me and excited that I am moving out of Nebraska for the first time. Others act happy, but I can read that they are actually skeptical and think I made a choice that may lead to disappointment. And then there are a few who have flat-out told me that I will never find employment in the teaching profession if I go on to more school.
There are so many voices out there. And trust me, I have listened to all of them. I listened to them to the point in which I was drowning in the noise. Here is my story:
I am a planner. I like to know, as much and as soon as possible, how everything is going to work out. I began searching for teaching jobs in January (AKA unrealistically early). I was student teaching at the time at a high school that was a 45-minute drive from my house, each way. I had many early mornings and late nights, but I loved the kids I was working with.
Come late March, I was still searching. This is when I received a letter from Oklahoma State offering me a full tuition scholarship plus a stipend to be a graduate assistant and study for my M.M. in Flute Performance and Pedagogy.
Suddenly, my heart was torn in half. Was I going to teach or go to graduate school? The decision almost tore me to pieces.
I went to the UNK job fair soon after I received my letter to check out the Nebraska teaching job market. I had a small school interested in me to teach 2nd-12th vocal and instrumental music. Right before I left, I had a school administrator close to home approach me and talk to me about a job opening there. The job was going to be 5th-12th band and middle school choir: no elementary and no high school choir. Suddenly, I was VERY interested!
By this time, I was about a month into student teaching elementary. The first week of April was super tough. I remember sitting at home during my 30-minute lunch break, deciding that I had reached my stress limit and needed to choose something! I began narrowing down my options. I weighed each teaching option I had against the opportunity to go to Oklahoma State. I cancelled two interviews and scheduled one - all during that 30-minute lunch.
The next day, I made the 2.5 hour drive to Grant, Nebraska to interview for the band director job. Grant is 30 miles from where I went to high school and 40 minutes from my house back home. The school is larger than where I went to school (Class C2), and has a fine reputation for being a high-performing district.
I got to the school building, and immediately, the principal took me to a school car and drove me 10 miles to the middle school in a nearby town. He then drove me 10 miles back to Grant, showed me around the town, and showed me the high school - all before even interviewing me. He was very excited to have a young, enthusiastic person who was thinking about coming back out to southwest Nebraska.
A few hours after leaving, the principal called me and offered me the job. It was a Friday, so I asked for an extension over the weekend. Now, I had a deadline and two concrete options from which to choose.
The job offered me financial security, a "perfect" first job that was close to home and my own high school teacher, and a friendly out-going band director. Graduate school offered me a new adventure in a new state, and opportunities...the thing I didn't like was how unpredictable those opportunities are.
I called up a flute mentor of mine out on the east coast for advice. He told me, "If you go into teaching and you decide you don't like it, can you envision coming home after a long day of work and putting in the practice to go back to school?" I knew the answer was "No," as I had great difficulty getting much practice in during student teaching. I am NOT a night person!
My flute teacher here in Kearney told me something I will never forget. I told her that the flute world is so difficult and rocky and possibly entirely insecure financially. She said, "Life is more than money. A life with beautiful music is the way I want to live."
I had all the advice in the world, and still I was stuck. I finally was left with nothing but my own soul and my God. I peered into myself, and I saw someone who was deeply afraid. I saw a musician who wanted to keep playing, yet also had this deep desire to give back. I loved my music, but wasn't sure I could bear the weight of the stress and commitment. When I quieted the noise of the world and [temporarily] shut down the fear in favor of LISTENING to God, I heard a small whisper:
"Brooke, are you done running away? By the way...I still need you to do this."
A few days later, I decided I was done ruminating over the decision. I signed my letter and dropped it in the mail. I'm going to Oklahoma State!
That night, I was so exhausted from weeks worth of accumulated fatigue that I fell asleep fully clothed. I didn't brush my teeth or hair...I passed out. The next morning, I got up and went to school. And the downslide of the decision hit my only-human body hard: by Tuesday morning, I was sick with a headache and nausea, and developed a fever. I had literally worried myself sick!
I am excited [and still really nervous!] about my decision now. I look back and realize that the main reason I was going to go out into the teaching field right away was for the security of it. That's not a way to live. I want to live a bold, outgoing life. I don't want to regret not accepting a blessing that God has set up for me. The amazing thing is, even if I didn't accept this blessing, God had ANOTHER amazing blessing waiting in the wings. Either way I went, I had God's safety net wrapping me up. That's an amazing thought.
I tend to be a people-pleaser, which is why I often get caught up in asking the world for advice. I remember one other time in which I truly listened to my own calling and the voice of the Lord. I was a high schooler, and I had been recruited to run middle distance for UNK. Cross country came with the package. I never had ran cross country and there was a time conflict with marching band - a tough schedule for a freshman! So many musicians over the years told me to stop competing in running and focus on music. I couldn't listen to them; the pull to run as a student-athlete and be a musician was too strong. And you know what? Both turned out quite well.
When I see people I respect and admire asking me about my decision, I still get a twinge inside. I feel like I am letting some people down with my decision, that I am "abandoning" the high calling of being a Nebraska music educator. But I have a pull in me that I need to go ahead and try something new. I believe God will bless following that voice.
The great thing is that now, I can be more grateful for the opportunity which I have accepted. I turned down another fantastic opportunity to pursue more education...and I will be the first to tell you that it was a sacrifice. Either way I went involved sacrifice before opportunity. In order to make such a sacrifice, love had to be involved.
I love my flute and my music. I have a huge passion for unlocking EXPRESSION in people's playing. Music is so much more than notes and rhythms and I know I have a special gift for communicating a message. I also want to help people who, just like me, have suffered from stage fright. I finally am beginning to experience a glimmer of freedom in my playing, and I want to continue finding that freedom so I can show others that it is possible to overcome our fears in life.
The more I follow the voice of my Lord, the more freedom I will find. Am I still afraid, doubtful? Quite frequently. Yet, I already sense a difference in my playing. I accept where I am more and know I have so much room for growth. I believe love is a great force, and through grace, my God will never let me down.
"There is no fear in love, but perfect love casts out fear." ~ 1 John 4:18
I had someone ask me, "Did you find a job yet?"
I responded with the planned answer I've been handing out for weeks now: "I was offered a job, but I turned it down, because I received funding to go to graduate school."
I have a good sense for reading people, and I can tell you, reactions have been mixed. Some are genuinely happy for me and excited that I am moving out of Nebraska for the first time. Others act happy, but I can read that they are actually skeptical and think I made a choice that may lead to disappointment. And then there are a few who have flat-out told me that I will never find employment in the teaching profession if I go on to more school.
There are so many voices out there. And trust me, I have listened to all of them. I listened to them to the point in which I was drowning in the noise. Here is my story:
I am a planner. I like to know, as much and as soon as possible, how everything is going to work out. I began searching for teaching jobs in January (AKA unrealistically early). I was student teaching at the time at a high school that was a 45-minute drive from my house, each way. I had many early mornings and late nights, but I loved the kids I was working with.
Come late March, I was still searching. This is when I received a letter from Oklahoma State offering me a full tuition scholarship plus a stipend to be a graduate assistant and study for my M.M. in Flute Performance and Pedagogy.
Suddenly, my heart was torn in half. Was I going to teach or go to graduate school? The decision almost tore me to pieces.
I went to the UNK job fair soon after I received my letter to check out the Nebraska teaching job market. I had a small school interested in me to teach 2nd-12th vocal and instrumental music. Right before I left, I had a school administrator close to home approach me and talk to me about a job opening there. The job was going to be 5th-12th band and middle school choir: no elementary and no high school choir. Suddenly, I was VERY interested!
By this time, I was about a month into student teaching elementary. The first week of April was super tough. I remember sitting at home during my 30-minute lunch break, deciding that I had reached my stress limit and needed to choose something! I began narrowing down my options. I weighed each teaching option I had against the opportunity to go to Oklahoma State. I cancelled two interviews and scheduled one - all during that 30-minute lunch.
The next day, I made the 2.5 hour drive to Grant, Nebraska to interview for the band director job. Grant is 30 miles from where I went to high school and 40 minutes from my house back home. The school is larger than where I went to school (Class C2), and has a fine reputation for being a high-performing district.
I got to the school building, and immediately, the principal took me to a school car and drove me 10 miles to the middle school in a nearby town. He then drove me 10 miles back to Grant, showed me around the town, and showed me the high school - all before even interviewing me. He was very excited to have a young, enthusiastic person who was thinking about coming back out to southwest Nebraska.
A few hours after leaving, the principal called me and offered me the job. It was a Friday, so I asked for an extension over the weekend. Now, I had a deadline and two concrete options from which to choose.
The job offered me financial security, a "perfect" first job that was close to home and my own high school teacher, and a friendly out-going band director. Graduate school offered me a new adventure in a new state, and opportunities...the thing I didn't like was how unpredictable those opportunities are.
I called up a flute mentor of mine out on the east coast for advice. He told me, "If you go into teaching and you decide you don't like it, can you envision coming home after a long day of work and putting in the practice to go back to school?" I knew the answer was "No," as I had great difficulty getting much practice in during student teaching. I am NOT a night person!
My flute teacher here in Kearney told me something I will never forget. I told her that the flute world is so difficult and rocky and possibly entirely insecure financially. She said, "Life is more than money. A life with beautiful music is the way I want to live."
I had all the advice in the world, and still I was stuck. I finally was left with nothing but my own soul and my God. I peered into myself, and I saw someone who was deeply afraid. I saw a musician who wanted to keep playing, yet also had this deep desire to give back. I loved my music, but wasn't sure I could bear the weight of the stress and commitment. When I quieted the noise of the world and [temporarily] shut down the fear in favor of LISTENING to God, I heard a small whisper:
"Brooke, are you done running away? By the way...I still need you to do this."
A few days later, I decided I was done ruminating over the decision. I signed my letter and dropped it in the mail. I'm going to Oklahoma State!
That night, I was so exhausted from weeks worth of accumulated fatigue that I fell asleep fully clothed. I didn't brush my teeth or hair...I passed out. The next morning, I got up and went to school. And the downslide of the decision hit my only-human body hard: by Tuesday morning, I was sick with a headache and nausea, and developed a fever. I had literally worried myself sick!
I am excited [and still really nervous!] about my decision now. I look back and realize that the main reason I was going to go out into the teaching field right away was for the security of it. That's not a way to live. I want to live a bold, outgoing life. I don't want to regret not accepting a blessing that God has set up for me. The amazing thing is, even if I didn't accept this blessing, God had ANOTHER amazing blessing waiting in the wings. Either way I went, I had God's safety net wrapping me up. That's an amazing thought.
I tend to be a people-pleaser, which is why I often get caught up in asking the world for advice. I remember one other time in which I truly listened to my own calling and the voice of the Lord. I was a high schooler, and I had been recruited to run middle distance for UNK. Cross country came with the package. I never had ran cross country and there was a time conflict with marching band - a tough schedule for a freshman! So many musicians over the years told me to stop competing in running and focus on music. I couldn't listen to them; the pull to run as a student-athlete and be a musician was too strong. And you know what? Both turned out quite well.
When I see people I respect and admire asking me about my decision, I still get a twinge inside. I feel like I am letting some people down with my decision, that I am "abandoning" the high calling of being a Nebraska music educator. But I have a pull in me that I need to go ahead and try something new. I believe God will bless following that voice.
The great thing is that now, I can be more grateful for the opportunity which I have accepted. I turned down another fantastic opportunity to pursue more education...and I will be the first to tell you that it was a sacrifice. Either way I went involved sacrifice before opportunity. In order to make such a sacrifice, love had to be involved.
I love my flute and my music. I have a huge passion for unlocking EXPRESSION in people's playing. Music is so much more than notes and rhythms and I know I have a special gift for communicating a message. I also want to help people who, just like me, have suffered from stage fright. I finally am beginning to experience a glimmer of freedom in my playing, and I want to continue finding that freedom so I can show others that it is possible to overcome our fears in life.
The more I follow the voice of my Lord, the more freedom I will find. Am I still afraid, doubtful? Quite frequently. Yet, I already sense a difference in my playing. I accept where I am more and know I have so much room for growth. I believe love is a great force, and through grace, my God will never let me down.
"There is no fear in love, but perfect love casts out fear." ~ 1 John 4:18
Wednesday, May 1, 2013
My Flute History
Hello, internet surfers!
I opened a blog. I started this to tell all of you who care about my new adventures in the next phase of my life. A brilliant idea it was...then I opened up this window to write my first ever blog post, and the dreaded WRITER'S BLOCK hit my brain. I don't even know how to start!
So, I guess I'll start with a little background information. I am currently finishing up my FIFTH year of my undergraduate. After 178 credits, and 2 degrees later, I am going to GRADUATE on Friday!
Ahh, the life of a music major certainly has been interesting. It's even more interesting when you add in my background as a Division II student athlete. I loved music and running coming out of high school, and the University of Nebraska-Kearney was going to let me do both. It wasn't an easy endeavor, especially when you factor in marching band and cross country practice's start times: 3:30 P.M. and...3:30 P.M. It's a good thing that if I want to do something, I WILL go achieve it. So, I survived doing a music education degree, a flute performance degree, cross country, indoor track, outdoor track.....and the honors program, undergraduate research, National Association for Music Education, a bit of Fellowship of Christian athletes, Newman Center Music Ministry...etc. etc. etc. If I loved it, I did it.
I want to take this post to give you a peek into my flute past. How did I get here, on the brink of being a graduate assistant in a new state?
I am from Dickens, Nebraska, a small, unincorporated community in the heart of Nebraska farm country. People usually underestimate how small Dickens really is. When I tell them my hometown has around 20 people (maybe less now?), they think, "It couldn't possibly be that small!" Well, my internet friends, it certainly is. I drove 10 miles each way to school at Wallace K-12 School, located in the booming metropolis of Wallace, with a population of around 350 people. The nearest Wal-Mart was in North Platte, 35 miles from my house. The nearest city of over 100,000 people would be either Denver or Lincoln, both 4 hour drives away.
My mom was originally from Omaha, where she was first chair violinist in her high school's orchestra. When my three sisters and I were growing up, she would play all sorts of music for us. She made sure we took piano lessons. My first piano lesson was when I was in first grade. That didn't last long, as I cried when I didn't understand how to read music. I waited a couple years and started up again in third grade.
The first time I remember wanting to play the flute was in third grade. My art teacher had some background music playing with a flute in it. I loved that beautiful sound, and from then on out, I was going to be a flute player (except for the brief time in which I wanted to be a bassoonist, but that's a different story).
The summer before my fifth grade year, we rented a flute for me to play. And I was TERRIBLE at it! My music teacher (bless her heart) wasn't a flute player, so she wasn't sure how to overcome my troubles with breath control and sustaining a sound. She took me to our superintendent, a former music teacher, and he couldn't figure it out either. I remember tape-recording myself, trying to find out what was wrong. I somehow got over it, and then, I was unstoppable in my thirst for more music! I played through two methods books before my class had gotten through half of one. I was hooked!
I thought I was doing everything well. I was playing second chair flute in my school's 7-12 band by the time I was in 8th grade. I played solos every year for contest.
No one told me I should take lessons until the end of my sophomore year in high school. I had somehow stumbled upon a copy of the Mozart G Major Concerto and attempted playing it at contest. I'm sure I played it quite poorly, but if someone in southwest Nebraska plays Mozart, that in and of itself is something quite special. I wish I knew who that judge was that day, for she is singlehandedly responsible for encouraging me to get flute lessons, and get a new flute.
I began taking flute lessons weekly with a lady in North Platte. I practiced really hard on the All-State Band excerpts that summer. The lessons helped, as I was accepted to play first part flute and even a little piccolo at all-state that fall. I remember going to all-state with my beginner model Yamaha and looking down the row of flutes. EVERY OTHER flute player had an open-hole flute. Looking back, it's pretty special that a girl from a Class D2 school (the smallest classification in Nebraska) made it into a band with people from massive AA schools out of Omaha and Lincoln.
I went to college at The University of Nebraska-Kearney. I came in as an education major, because one of the professors told me that performance was too rocky of a major. I added in performance as a sophomore. After going to the National Flute Association convention as a performer in the collegiate flute choir, my playing really took off. I invested in a solid sterling professional model Brannen Millennium flute and started practicing more!
I gave four flute recitals while at UNK, and as I got closer to my senior year, I began thinking about graduate school. The summer before my senior year, my flute teacher knocked on my practice room door and exclaimed, "I have found you a teacher!!!" She then handed me the business card of Dr. Virginia Broffitt, the new flute professor at Oklahoma State University. It just so happened that the cross country team was traveling to Stillwater for a cross country meet that year, so I was able to visit. I am sure this occurrence was more than just a coincidence!
Early this year, I auditioned at Oklahoma State and Illinois. I then put all thoughts of graduate school out of my head and focused on student teaching. I was going to be a public school teacher until I got a letter from the music department at Oklahoma State offering me full tuition plus a stipend to move to Stillwater as a graduate assistant. I had a sort of life crisis, but finally decided to sign the letter!
So here I am, straddling two phases of my life. I'm finishing up my undergraduate and have a few months before I move to Oklahoma. I am excited to see where this road leads me, and ready for an adventure!!!
I opened a blog. I started this to tell all of you who care about my new adventures in the next phase of my life. A brilliant idea it was...then I opened up this window to write my first ever blog post, and the dreaded WRITER'S BLOCK hit my brain. I don't even know how to start!
So, I guess I'll start with a little background information. I am currently finishing up my FIFTH year of my undergraduate. After 178 credits, and 2 degrees later, I am going to GRADUATE on Friday!
Ahh, the life of a music major certainly has been interesting. It's even more interesting when you add in my background as a Division II student athlete. I loved music and running coming out of high school, and the University of Nebraska-Kearney was going to let me do both. It wasn't an easy endeavor, especially when you factor in marching band and cross country practice's start times: 3:30 P.M. and...3:30 P.M. It's a good thing that if I want to do something, I WILL go achieve it. So, I survived doing a music education degree, a flute performance degree, cross country, indoor track, outdoor track.....and the honors program, undergraduate research, National Association for Music Education, a bit of Fellowship of Christian athletes, Newman Center Music Ministry...etc. etc. etc. If I loved it, I did it.
I want to take this post to give you a peek into my flute past. How did I get here, on the brink of being a graduate assistant in a new state?
I am from Dickens, Nebraska, a small, unincorporated community in the heart of Nebraska farm country. People usually underestimate how small Dickens really is. When I tell them my hometown has around 20 people (maybe less now?), they think, "It couldn't possibly be that small!" Well, my internet friends, it certainly is. I drove 10 miles each way to school at Wallace K-12 School, located in the booming metropolis of Wallace, with a population of around 350 people. The nearest Wal-Mart was in North Platte, 35 miles from my house. The nearest city of over 100,000 people would be either Denver or Lincoln, both 4 hour drives away.
My mom was originally from Omaha, where she was first chair violinist in her high school's orchestra. When my three sisters and I were growing up, she would play all sorts of music for us. She made sure we took piano lessons. My first piano lesson was when I was in first grade. That didn't last long, as I cried when I didn't understand how to read music. I waited a couple years and started up again in third grade.
The first time I remember wanting to play the flute was in third grade. My art teacher had some background music playing with a flute in it. I loved that beautiful sound, and from then on out, I was going to be a flute player (except for the brief time in which I wanted to be a bassoonist, but that's a different story).
The summer before my fifth grade year, we rented a flute for me to play. And I was TERRIBLE at it! My music teacher (bless her heart) wasn't a flute player, so she wasn't sure how to overcome my troubles with breath control and sustaining a sound. She took me to our superintendent, a former music teacher, and he couldn't figure it out either. I remember tape-recording myself, trying to find out what was wrong. I somehow got over it, and then, I was unstoppable in my thirst for more music! I played through two methods books before my class had gotten through half of one. I was hooked!
I thought I was doing everything well. I was playing second chair flute in my school's 7-12 band by the time I was in 8th grade. I played solos every year for contest.
No one told me I should take lessons until the end of my sophomore year in high school. I had somehow stumbled upon a copy of the Mozart G Major Concerto and attempted playing it at contest. I'm sure I played it quite poorly, but if someone in southwest Nebraska plays Mozart, that in and of itself is something quite special. I wish I knew who that judge was that day, for she is singlehandedly responsible for encouraging me to get flute lessons, and get a new flute.
I began taking flute lessons weekly with a lady in North Platte. I practiced really hard on the All-State Band excerpts that summer. The lessons helped, as I was accepted to play first part flute and even a little piccolo at all-state that fall. I remember going to all-state with my beginner model Yamaha and looking down the row of flutes. EVERY OTHER flute player had an open-hole flute. Looking back, it's pretty special that a girl from a Class D2 school (the smallest classification in Nebraska) made it into a band with people from massive AA schools out of Omaha and Lincoln.
I went to college at The University of Nebraska-Kearney. I came in as an education major, because one of the professors told me that performance was too rocky of a major. I added in performance as a sophomore. After going to the National Flute Association convention as a performer in the collegiate flute choir, my playing really took off. I invested in a solid sterling professional model Brannen Millennium flute and started practicing more!
I gave four flute recitals while at UNK, and as I got closer to my senior year, I began thinking about graduate school. The summer before my senior year, my flute teacher knocked on my practice room door and exclaimed, "I have found you a teacher!!!" She then handed me the business card of Dr. Virginia Broffitt, the new flute professor at Oklahoma State University. It just so happened that the cross country team was traveling to Stillwater for a cross country meet that year, so I was able to visit. I am sure this occurrence was more than just a coincidence!
Early this year, I auditioned at Oklahoma State and Illinois. I then put all thoughts of graduate school out of my head and focused on student teaching. I was going to be a public school teacher until I got a letter from the music department at Oklahoma State offering me full tuition plus a stipend to move to Stillwater as a graduate assistant. I had a sort of life crisis, but finally decided to sign the letter!
So here I am, straddling two phases of my life. I'm finishing up my undergraduate and have a few months before I move to Oklahoma. I am excited to see where this road leads me, and ready for an adventure!!!
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