Paint Me a Musical Canvas

I had the most amazing practice room experience I have ever had in my life on Wednesday. I have told a few people about what happened, and whenever I talk about it, my little voice of reason says maybe it didn't happen quite like I experienced. Whatever did happen, I know it felt extremely powerful and left an imprint on me that will last a long time:

In my lesson on Monday, my teacher was trying to get me to shape phrases more by dynamic contrast, vibrato changes, tempo fluctuations, and shading the tone color. I have had troubles figuring out how to make the subtle changes in my tone that I have heard in many performers, so I thought...what better time to start than now!

I started my practice on Wednesday by asking myself, "How can I achieve the tone colors I am looking for?" In this question, the word "color" stuck out to me. I decided to play my long tones softly and crescendo through them. The color that came to mind for soft playing was the blue-green of ocean waves. As I grew in sound, I thought of yellow sunlight hitting those waves. Finally, I allowed the vision of yellow to grow into an orange color. I found that the color orange really seemed to help my tone, as well as various shades of green, ranging from a light yellow-green, to the blue-green ocean color, all the way to the green color of bright grass.  When I really tried pushing air through the flute, I imagined a bright red fire with sparks coming out of it. This seemed to give my tone a darker, richer quality.

I took a break and came back later to play scales. The color metaphors had been so enjoyable to experiment with in my previous practice session that I decided to try applying them to my scale exercises. For as long as I can remember, I have had difficulties playing scales, as I tend to tighten up and become less fluent in the upper register. My hands usually hurt after playing full range scales because of this. I decided to think of a color that could help me lighten up my fingers. The color light blue came to mind. To me, it is the color of the sky, of air, and I felt a light sensation pulling my head and fingers up "to the sky." I became so focused on this light blue color that my mind didn't have time to think about how "difficult" the range from G#3-D4 is. The scales felt far less difficult than they ever have before!

Now, I was really excited about this color thing. I thought, "Maybe light blue is the color of fast playing." I started playing the Mendelssohn "Scherzo from a Midsummer Night's Dream" excerpt while thinking about light blue.

Sometimes, when I practice, I like to shut the lights off and play from memory. I have heard that the visual sense can cut off access to the other senses by as much as 80%, and playing in the dark helps me tune into how my hands and air feel, and engages me mentally into the music.

I played the Mendelssohn excerpt in the dark practice room and continued to think about the blue color. I had my eyes open, focused on a spot in front of me, when suddenly, something amazing happened. I began to actually see a light blue, hazy, cloud-like circle in front of me. The closest thing I can compare it to is what occurs when you look at the sun, then look away, and see hazy spots in front of you. It was like that, only a wispy cloud texture and a light blue color. The interesting thing about it was it didn't match the original light blue I was imagining. It was a bit darker, closer to the image below than light blue:

Now, I was really living in this color idea. I moved onto the Saint-Saens "Carnival of the Animals" excerpt. I figured that blue was the color of fast playing and began to play while focusing on that color. Then, something even more amazing happened. The spot changed to a bright orange color! The picture below is the closest shade I can find to the color I saw:

At this point, I felt like I was in a perfect music world. None of my seemingly-constant performance anxiety could touch me at all. I have been having a hard time playing the "Carnival" excerpt any faster than dotted quarter = 63, but while in this state, I played it at mm. 72 for the first time - and it felt effortless! I felt protected by the color and nothing else existed but me, the color, my music, and a deep spiritual connection.

I switched to Debussy's "Prelude to the Afternoon of a Faun," which, in my head is a blue-green. However, the visual effect went away and I could only see the color inside my imagination again.

For the next 30 minutes or so, I felt extremely relaxed, as if I had come out of some sort of hypnosis. I even walked out of my practice room and forgot which room I was in because I was so wrapped up in the feeling I had just experienced.

Later that day, I tried to see the colors again. I couldn't. However, I have noticed I now can place colors with pieces much easier in my practice. The Introduction to Schubert's "Variations on Trockne Blumen" is a dark purple to me. Since visualizing this color, I find that I have begun to live in the music more.

Lately, I have been trucking along mentally, and have felt like I am overflowing with creativity.
This week, I started out very engaged in life and my music. As the week progressed, things fell off, but I truly believe that was more a lack of sleep thing than anything else. I started out being exceptionally creative in my practicing habits, but by Thursday-Friday, I was back to my old [bad] practice habits - oops. This reminds me that staying rested is just as important as practicing in my musical development.

As time has gone on since my color experience, I have tried to figure out what happened. I am not sure if I experienced a brief moment of synesthesia or something else. My theory now is that my imagination became so strong that I projected a bit of it onto my visual sense for a brief time. Whatever it was, it was very powerful.

A part of me has wondered if I truly am a musician, or just a creative person who enjoys music. This experience gave me a brief glimpse of affirmation at my inner musician. She is powerful, strong, and has a strong connection to the sounds of the flute.

I asked my teacher about what I can do to not get as nervous playing in front of people. She said, "The key is to keep your mind so full of positive thoughts that it doesn't have time to worry." I now have experienced this by myself in the practice room. As I continue to find creative ways to engage my consciousness fully into my flute, I believe the deep music I feel inside will gradually follow me outside of the practice room door and into the ears of my listeners.

"You are Your Own Best Teacher."

"You are your own best teacher. I'm here to help you know what to listen for."

I remember the day my undergraduate flute professor told me the above quote. At first, it struck me by surprise. I had come to her to learn, and always respected her as the flute master with me listening to her advice. However, as I thought about it, I realized she was right. I projected my thoughts many years into the future and visualized myself one day learning music by myself without that extra ear to guide me. What would I do then?

This quote has continued to pop up in my head off and on in the years since. Yet, there always was an empty space in my complete understanding. I never felt like I was using my time in the practice room as effectively as I could, yet I never really figured out what I needed to change to become more efficient. I practiced, I pushed myself, but many times, I would leave the practice room frustrated that I hadn't learned something, or it didn't sound like I wanted. I also heard stories of people who practiced 6 hours every day, yet I noticed my attention began to waver after 3. What was I doing wrong?

Fast forward to this week, my first week as a graduate student. For some reason, the opening quote continued to pop into my head this week. Perhaps, it was because I knew now was the time to begin making changes. I'm tired of being frustrated, trying to push through, leaving the practice room with pain in my hands, and mentally crumbling on stage. 

I was very thankful when I was handed a book of ORGANIZED daily warm-ups. They were all in one place and very successful when I applied them this week! I listened to pitch more, not only in small intervals, but larger ascending ones as well.

 I also learned that recording myself would be an efficient way to help me practice. 

CONFESSION: I always have hated listening to recordings of myself. I often hear everything that is incorrect, and instead of coming up with ways to correct the issues, I would sit and mope about how bad I sounded. This week, I am listening to recordings of myself with purpose, and I no longer hear horrible sounds being played back to me. I hear a good sound with specific details I can fix with a practice strategy. For example, I noticed this week that my tone takes awhile to "get started" and sound centered after each breath. I focused on getting my air stream flowing clearly and my vibrato started right away on the note...the issues are starting to clear up already! I was so excited, because I had made a deliberate approach, and it was working - I was being a good teacher to myself!

As I was walking away from the music building in the hot Oklahoma sun the other day, I thought about how my brain is wired. Like it or not, I have a teacher's heart. I enjoy helping others and seeing them succeed. An important thought crossed my mind: I treat everyone with this caring teacher's heart except myself. This revelation cross-connected with my past teacher's words: How could I possibly be my own best teacher unless I treated myself with the same caring patience?

I am getting better at not berating myself in the practice room. I know I have come a long way, and through focused practice, I can become even better. I have noticed in the last few weeks that I leave the practice room wishing I could play more. I don't pack up and leave in frustration anymore. It doesn't feel right without putting in work every day now. Practicing isn't as much of a chore.

Lately, I have become fascinated with the mind-body connection and its impact on music. I know a lot of my practice problems have been mental. My teacher and I pinpointed the other day that the reason why I struggle in the upper register is simply because, years ago, I told myself the upper register was difficult. I have been telling myself, "It is OK to play in the upper register," and that has been helping some.

The mind-body connection also helps me understand that it is OK that I can't practice for 6 hours every day. I noticed this summer that I reach better progress if I set an attainable 3-4 hours a day and keep it consistent, rather than wear myself out with 5+ and burn out after a day or two. The thought of deliberate practice correlates with this idea. The mind needs to be present and active in practice, and after several hours, it loses focus. 

It was a big relief to me to learn that practice can happen away from the instrument as well. I don't have to be constantly playing to see improvements. Reading books about music and listening to recordings help musicianship also. Even my love of running can be counted as beneficial to practice! Why? Because without a healthy body and mind, how am I going to be able to focus on practice? The answer is - I probably won't. My mind will shift back into distractions and mindless repetition.

I am so glad that I am learning to be kinder to myself. I know I wouldn't want a teacher who constantly sat and said how poor I was at flute playing, with the only suggestion being...play it again, and be sure to do it right this time! If I am my own best teacher, I certainly want a teacher who is kind, encouraging, and gives me specific strategies to improve.

A flute studio group hug with my undergraduate professor in May 2012.

Before things get busy again...

I have been a well-traveled individual in the last week...perhaps too well-traveled! My body and mind are just now getting caught back up after being in 1) Kearney, 2) Omaha, 3) Houston, 4) New Orleans, 5) Chicago, 6) back in Omaha, 7) Kearney again, and 8) STILLWATER! I guess, in this blog post, I will catch you up on what I was doing in each location....before I have things to do here in Oklahoma!

#1: Kearney, Nebraska: Earlier this month, I tied up the loose ends I had in Kearney. I saw friends, kept practicing, studied music history (a lot!), and of course, packed. There aren't many things in this world that I hate, but packing is one of them...due to how my creative brain functions, it hates things like cleaning, packing, and organizing...but it got done somehow!

#2: Omaha, Nebraska: On August 7, the UNK flute studio loaded up vehicles to head to Omaha! The flute choir was accepted to perform at the National Flute Convention in New Orleans, so we needed to head to Omaha the night before so we could catch our 5:45 am flight (yawn!) on the 8th. I enjoyed the travel. It was a great way to spend time with my flute studio friends before making new ones here at OSU.

The University of Nebraska-Kearney flute studio, before leaving for National Flute Convention.

#3: Houston, Texas: On August 8th, we woke up at 3 am in Omaha to catch our 5:45 flight to Houston. The flight went very smoothly. I was in the Houston airport maybe 25 minutes tops! The layover was exceptionally short, and we had to hurry to get on our flight to New Orleans.

#4 New Orleans, Louisiana: The convention in New Orleans was my second National Flute Convention. The first time I went to convention (Anaheim 2010), I felt like I was in flute heaven. I soaked up every little session I could and didn't want to leave. This time was a little different. I found that I could only take the sessions in small doses. Instead of feeling like I could do anything, I felt a bit inhibited. I saw the incredible talent and felt so far behind. I remembered my college track coach's words...when I started improving in the mile and became good enough to race against competition from D-1 schools, I had experienced this same feeling of incompetence. He told me that, the better the competition gets, the worse you feel about your ability. A person could choose to stay on the lower tier of ability and feel very good about her ability. But only by jumping into the upper tier of talent can one improve. The fact that I have the ability to make it to this tier, if only at the bottom of it, is a great compliment to my potential.

A few highlights of convention: I spent a LOT of time in the exhibit hall trying out gold flutes for fun! :) I even picked out a 10k gold used Haynes that would be fantastic to own...if I had $17,000!!

The 10K gold Haynes flute that I wish I could afford! Maybe someday!

I took a lesson with one of my favorite flutists, Gary Schocker. For some reason, my stage fright nerves followed me into that room. He helped me recognize that my performance problems extend beyond the flute. When I get nervous, I close down my voice into my chest. This transfers over into my flute playing. I learned a lot of interesting information that is helping my playing already!

Gary Schocker, performing his Three Dances for Two Flutes at National Flute Convention.

On the last day of the convention, I went to see a session by a performance anxiety specialist. I have been desperate to solve my anxiety issues, and I had a feeling that she could help. I ran into Helen Spielman before her session and chatted for awhile. I got some time to talk after the session, and told her my story...about testing at a high level of anxiety, about people telling me just to practice more to solve anxiety, about how I have so much music inside that often is left unsaid. I teared up a bit when she told me she has helped many people just like me!

#5: Chicago, Illinois: We woke up before 3 am to catch our flight back home. I slept for most of the flight into Chicago. Then, we caught the flight from Chicago back to Nebraska.

#6: Omaha, Nebraska: By the time we had arrived back in Nebraska, everyone was ready to be home! But we still had a 3 hour drive ahead of us.

#7: Kearney, Nebraska: When I got home, I was exhausted! Thankfully, my parents were a little late arriving with the trailer in which to load my belongings. I needed time to rest! I also got an hour of flute practice in, which was good. By the time all of my stuff was loaded and we got to Ruby Tuesday for supper, it was 9 pm (again, yawn!!)

#8: Stillwater, Oklahoma: We left Kearney at around 9 am. With stops, we arrived in Stillwater a little after 4 pm. About 10 miles north of the Kansas border, I finally felt what I had been searching for all summer: peace and a little excitement. God flooded me with this feeling that said, "Thank you, my child, for trusting Me, even when you did not see how it was going to turn out."

I got to my apartment, checked in, and we unloaded everything. The apartment smelled strongly of cleaning supplies at first, and I broke out in a few hives (eek!). We had the carpet re-cleaned yesterday, and things seem ok now.

I went to campus yesterday to practice, and once in the practice room, playing flowed. I felt at home. Again, God comforted me with His presence, telling me, as my loving Father, "Good job, I am proud of you."

I'm excited to finally be settled in Stillwater!

Today, I have meetings and my tests are coming up! More later!