Pre-Race Jitters

I was practicing one day when I stopped to notice a strange feeling I was experiencing. I had this big, nervous feeling in the pit of my stomach. It bothered me for a bit as I tried to figure out its source.

At first, I thought I was experiencing an enhanced type of the normal nerves I often get. After all, I'm moving soon, taking a few auditions, starting grad classes, which are all things that could set off my nervous states.

Then, I realized...I've had this feeling before...many times.

My thoughts transported back to a cross country course somewhere in Missouri. The sky was slightly overcast, with a cool breeze blowing against my shoulder. I was standing with my teammates in a small, painted box on a patch of grass. I looked to my left, then to my right, at the teams next to me. "10 minutes!" said the starter. With those words, the tension across the length of the painted line ratcheted up significantly.

Nerves before a race, at least for me, began before the season did. During the many miles of summer training, I envisioned running against talented competitors from other colleges. These weren't strong, persistent feelings, but mostly a positive visualization of the shape I would be in after all the training.

The week before the race, nerves got stronger, as I began to check weather forecasts, monitor every bit of soreness in my legs, think more about what I was eating.

An hour before the race, the nerves became something else. Senses heightened up as I noticed the chill in the air, the flags lining the course blowing in the wind, and of course, every small sensation in my body. I was running a warmup with my teammates, but I wasn't quite there. Gradually, my attention drew almost completely inward to focus on my body, my thoughts.

The fifteen minutes before the race are the longest I have ever experienced. You do and don't want the race to start at the same time. You jump around, you run strides, you check your watch every 20 seconds. Time passes exceptionally slowly. And the feeling...the feeling...

My thoughts jump back to my present flute practice as I finally identify WHAT it is I am feeling. This sensation is the exact same feeling I experienced in the 15 minutes before the cross country race. It is known as "pre-race jitters." How is this different from regular nerves? "Pre-race jitters" often stem from a place of preparedness. They are intense, but often a feeling of, "I have worked hard, now I don't know how the rest will turn out."

Me, experiencing "pre-race jitters" before clocking a 5:02 mile in February 2012.

Identifying my feelings as simple "pre-race jitters," and not "I'M UNPREPARED!!" nerves has helped me to live with them a bit more. I now feel them, but don't let them drag me down nearly as easily. The unfortunate thing is, these pre-race jitters apparently last for three weeks rather than fifteen minutes. The good thing is, I have worked to prepare. I am ready, so the thing I am nervous about is completely outside of my control.

There's nothing I can do but wait for the slow "15 minutes" of these weeks to pass. When the gun goes off, all I can do is RUN. And, in past experience, that has turned out well. :)

Running a cross country race in fall 2012.

And pack. That's another story...

Small, Achievable Goals

I am a big thinker. I think in big pictures, in color. I have big dreams that I can see.

The problem with this? I see the end. I see years from now. Then, I look at today. It doesn't add up [yet]. So, I expect more of myself. This isn't necessarily a bad thing, but I sometimes get caught up in that big picture, and I am not patient with myself in the small things.

I have been watching a series of YouTube videos from Tim VanOrden, a professional masters distance runner. A couple years ago, he published a set of videos about how to get out the door, even when depressed and unmotivated. He made a video every day during the dreary cold of Vermont winter, showing how he got out the door despite the un-motivating cold.

I relate a lot to these videos. Mr. VanOrden thinks very similarly to me. He has a fast mind, big goals, and a predisposition to anxiety. His advice has helped me in the last several days and caused me to fight, even when unmotivated.

For example, in one video, he talks about breaking activities down to the smallest steps. If he wants to go on a run, but isn't motivated, he thinks, not about "I HAVE to run," but "What is the NEXT step?"
This is as small as putting socks on. Then, he puts on shoes, a jacket, headphones, and before he knows it, what he calls the gravity of small actions has pulled him out the door.

I tried this the other day. I was feeling bummed out, and all I felt like doing was lying on my living room floor. I thought of the video: "What is my next action?" I put on running shorts, then a tank top, then shoes. I found my headphones, turned on my music. Before I knew it, I had finished a hill workout and felt a million times better. Tim said, "Putting on socks can save your life." I totally understand that now.

Confession: I'm not motivated to practice every day. It doesn't always sound appealing. Maybe some musicians are consistently motivated, but I have a feeling many are like me. We love our instruments, but sometime we hate the time-commitment-tie they have on us, too.

Why keep going? Who are the ones who persevere? We are the ones who do what we love, EVEN when we don't necessarily feel like it, because we know pushing through will ultimately make us happier than quitting. Meeting our goals and setting new ones give us a sense of accomplishment.

I tried the "next step" approach with my flute playing. "What is the next step?" : Put together your flute, play Taffanel/Gaubert #4, play Reichart #1, play long tones, open up your Paul-Edmund Davies warm-up book, play your Bach C Major Sonata mvt. 2 for articulation, play Carnival of the Animals..

Wow...I just got an hour of warm-ups in.

If I don't feel motivated to work on pieces : Pick up the music, open up your Reinecke Concerto, memorize the first two lines, the first section...

Before I know it, I've played 3 hours total.

"But I don't WANT to study theory!!" whines my inner self. : Pick up the book, read half a chapter, do an exercise....

I reviewed first and second species counterpoint.

"Oh my goodness, I have to pass SIX sections of music history tests!!" " First step...pick up the book, read about the late middle ages for a couple days.

I know what the Ars Nova is.

.......

You get the idea. Give it a try in your own life. Don't put the pressure of the world on yourself all at once. Try small, achievable goals, whether it is in fitness, music, work, talking to people, whatever... It helps so much.

Set those big goals. But don't forget about the small, achievable goals that get us there. Every step, no matter if it is just putting socks on, gets us closer to the big picture we see in our mind.

RELAX!

"What is the one thing I can do to become a better flute player?"

In July 2011, I traveled from Nebraska to the Gary Schocker summer masterclass in West Park, NY. During the last day of the class, I had the opportunity to take a lesson with Mr. Schocker. This was one of the most informative 30 minutes of my life. At the end, he asked me, "Do you have any questions to ask me?"

I felt like the Buddhist pilgrim, who had climbed to the top of the mountain to ask the wise sage the most important question I could conceive. I poised, waiting for the important response:

"Lie on the floor for 20 minutes every day."

I was extremely puzzled...the ONE thing I could do to improve at flute playing had nothing to do with flute playing? WHAT?

I had a sort of deja vu moment a few weeks ago with my teacher here in Nebraska. I finished playing in my lesson, and asked her if she thought I had what it takes to be successful in the next stage of my flute playing life. She said, "Relax, and everything else is fine."

Two years later, after some extreme re-examining of my life, I finally know what Gary was talking about. The main obstacle in all of my life is my seeming inability to RELAX.

I have always been an energetic person. I have a constant drive to be doing things, ANYTHING besides relaxing. I want to be productive and successful. However, as I progressed through college, this energy started working against me. I had so much nervous energy that it actually was causing mistakes in my playing, tension in my life, mental fatigue, and a whole lot of frustration. I got to the point that I couldn't focus on homework or studying because of the stress energy. This constant pushing toward some goal seemed inexhaustible. And certainly, it was, for when I had success, the bar jumped higher, before I could even celebrate the progress of what I had attained.

In the last couple months, I finally have begun to accept help. I realize the energy was mostly anxiety driven. I had been pushing, not to achieve, but to outrun this constant sense that failure seemed just around the corner. That failure has never come, but the fear of it has remained.

I have sought counseling and medical help for my anxiety disorder. And in the last few weeks, I have finally begun to see some progress. Medication has helped me calm down a bit, and not have negativity drilling my brain every minute. I am beginning to see that life isn't about outrunning some predicted failure, but about continuing to learn.

Yoga has helped, too! My running motivation has come back, but the medication I am on is blocking that extra anxious energy, so I can't run as fast as I used to be able to. I am willing to make that tradeoff to save my flute passion.

I was telling a friend the other day, that the more I learn about the flute, the more I feel like I don't know. He just smiled and said, "It's all part of the journey!" I like this approach to life better. I want to keep learning and growing. As I keep growing, my life will go somewhere great. I need to put things like unemployment out of my mind. Failure? Failure only comes to the fear-filled, those who fold because they think they can't do it. Sure, I will stumble. But I believe my growth will outgrow my stumbles. I don't need to be perfect....I need to RELAX!

One month til moving day...more updates as we get closer. Until then, check out this awesome video. It gave me a bit of a push to go practice!!