I have been challenged by school here in ways that I never have been before. When I overcome each challenge, I find that there are infinite more aspects of my playing to improve. This has both been really frustrating and really enlightening. I am a person who likes things to be good now, and when I see the vast expanse of necessary improvements open up before me, I often get overwhelmed by all there is to fix. I am not very skilled at breaking down challenges one-by-one. A look at how I attempt to "organize" my house will show you this. I put things away, and they stay put for about a day or two. Then, things start to slowly expand and end up all over the house - especially shoes....oh my goodness, migrating shoes...
In short, my brain has a tendency to "cast a wide net," leading me into multitasking, attempting to work out solutions to everything at once, getting frustrated when I can't quickly find a solution, and feeling bad about myself when things aren't as good as they can be (which really, they never are! There's always ways to improve.).
Also, I have learned how average my playing really is. I am another fish in the flute-playing sea. A tough lesson I'm learning is, not everyone will like my playing. Even if I practiced and practiced for years and became a "flute master" (think ninja with a flute), some people wouldn't like my playing, not because I wasn't "good," but maybe because they prefer a different sound or style of playing.
I have been getting down about my playing lately. I have lost all the competitions I've entered. Confession: I HATE LOSING. I think it's my inner athlete. And the fact that, well, I don't think anyone likes to lose. I woke up one morning, still bummed about it, and then I got contacted by someone who wanted to pay me to come play for them. And then it clicked:
Some people won't like my playing at all, some will think it is ok, and others will like it.
Realizing this opened up a small place of freedom in me. Just because someone doesn't like my playing or I lose a competition doesn't mean I should throw my hands up and say, "I'm terrible!" (That would cause me to drop the flute, among other things. ;) ). It means I am neutral. It means the outside opinions will always vary, but as long as I believe in what I am doing (and keep practicing), I won't be "terrible," I shouldn't "quit playing," and I'm definitely not a "failure." I am a musician who shares a part of me with those who care to listen. Music makes me happy (I forget this when I am stressed out).
I will admit, when I came here, I started out a little fast. I came out, guns blazing, saying "I'm going to practice hours and hours every day!!!" .... I accelerated my practicing really quickly, leading to a bit of a practice burnout by the end of the semester. I still played every day, but the quality of practice started to suffer. I am in recovery from this and thinking, "What can I do differently to make next semester better?" I have come up with a few activities that could help:
1) Don't feel pressured to play "x" amount of time a day. Play as long as energy allows, as improvement comes. If I'm feeling a little down energy wise, attempt to power through it. If the wall persists, don't force anything. This makes overcoming the wall worse. Embrace the wall. Play something fun for a little bit. Or walk away and do a restorative activity.
2) Add some meditation into my practice. I once asked a teacher, "What is one thing I can do to make my playing better?" The teacher said, "Lie on the floor for 20 minutes a day." Off and on, I have tried this, but not succeeded, as it actually is more difficult than it sounds! I'm going to start using my yoga mat over break and do some mind-calming exercises.
3) Don't think about everything at once. Break practice up into sessions, and keep the goal of the session ONLY on one piece or set of pieces at a time. Ex. 1) warm-ups, 2) 1-2 pieces of rep, 3) orchestra excerpts, 4) piccolo. Let the mind be focused only on each session's activities, and bring it back if it tries to wander off into other music or daily worries.
4) Re-incorporate restorative, healing, "me time" activities back into life. For me, this especially includes running. I am an introvert, and the activity of running allows me to reconnect with myself, set non-flute-related goals, feel proud of myself, and release the "feel good" chemicals. I focused on the graduate school / living in a new place adjustment in the last several months and really let running go by the wayside. I've picked it back up in the last month and have remembered why I love it so much. Last week, I ran 5 days, and yesterday, I ran 8 miles on the treadmill. My goal over winter break is to keep it at a consistent 6 days a week.
5) Keep speaking positive words to myself. Somewhere along the line, I got in the cyclical habit of negative thought patterns. I have been working to re-train my mind. I notice that, whenever I stray from the path of speaking positive words to myself, my mind travels back along the well-beaten path of negative thoughts. Positivity is a miracle cure and creates a happy life!
I have come a long way in the last few months. I am a lot better flutist than I was when I got here, but I also see the huge gap between where I am and where I want to be. Sometimes, perseverance is really difficult. I remind myself that, as long as I keep practicing and moving forward, the only way to go is up!
"One of the commonest mistakes and one of the costliest is thinking that success is due to some genius, some magic - something or other which we do not possess. Success is generally due to holding on, and failure to letting go. You decide to learn a language, study music, take a course of reading, train yourself physically. Will it be success or failure? It depends upon how much pluck and perseverance that word "decide" contains. The decision that nothing can overrule, the grip that nothing can detach will bring success."
Maltbie Davenport Babcock (1858-1901)
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