And I ran. Never mind that it was 97 degrees out. I needed to inspire myself, to show myself I could break out of this ho-hum feeling. After 10 minutes of direct Oklahoma sunlight, I was starting to overheat. Thankfully, the lake by my house has strategic water fountains placed around it. I took a break and kept jogging.
There is a stretch around the lake that goes straight for a good half mile or so. It is right by the road, and no shade is available whatsoever. I managed to make it through the straightaway and around the corner before stopping for shade. I then made it to another water fountain. By this point, I was sweating profusely and starting to feel very dehydrated and dizzy. However, I managed to make it home!
The run definitely helped shake the "blah" feeling, and around 7 p.m., I headed back over to the music building to get some practicing in.
As I was driving across town, a song came on the radio. It was amazing, because it addressed every doubt in my head, every worry. The link to Josh Wilson's "Pushing Back the Dark" can be found here.
The song speaks about how we often doubt ourselves, or feel like we aren't qualified to be doing what we are doing. It then goes on to say, "Don't underestimate the God you follow," that we are attacked by these dark thoughts, but we need to keep pushing forward, because "Someone needs the light you have."
God was wrapping me up in His arms in that moment. He was saying, "Chin up, Buttercup! Now go to that campus, and you do what I brought you here for!"
Confession Interlude: I have performance anxiety. Over the years, it grew to the point in which I even got nervous to practice with people outside the room. Anytime I play my metal stick for anyone but myself, I get that dark feeling.
Practice actually has been going better lately. I have been working with a performance anxiety therapist, and she has been helping me transform those many negative thoughts into a couple positive ones.
She warned me that things would get worse before they get better. During practice, the negative voices have finally begun to shut up, which is incredible. However, I did a fake performance for my video camera, and the thoughts definitely were worse. Every tiny dark thing that has ever tried to stop me came back.
Normally, an experience like this would absolutely shred me. I would get discouraged, and it would ruin my day, my week. This time, I used my new tools. I repeated my positivity statement on the way to my car, and played my newfound song three times on the way home. My performance anxiety coach said to be persistent, and eventually the thoughts will diminish.
This morning, I looked up the "Pushing Back the Dark" song online, and I found the story behind it on Josh Wilson's website. I am going to copy/paste it here, because it is so phenomenal:
"I was in seventh grade. It was five minutes until our Wednesday night youth service, and I was hiding, sitting on the cold tile of a bathroom in a dark corner of our church. They were about to start the worship music, and I was supposed to be playing guitar. I told them I was sick and couldn't go.
I wasn't sick. I was scared.
I was scared of what everyone else might think of me. What if I messed up? What if I failed miserably? God had given me a talent and passion for music, but I was afraid to use it. To this day, the darkness of doubt pushes me to avoid my calling.
Last year, as I was working on this album, that darkness became tangible as I began to struggle with anxiety and panic attacks. At one point, I thought I might have to quit music altogether. But God promises to never leave or forsake us, and He kept that promise. As he carried me through the rest of the record, I realized that there will always be darkness pushing me to hide. At some point, though, every Christ-follower has to realize that we carry a sacred, burning light that is infinitely more powerful than the lies of the enemy. Your light might seem small, but even the smallest act of love can illuminate the shadows.
To every single mother, every missionary, every doctor and poet, every seventh grader who is scared to sing in youth group, every truck driver, politician, and school teacher, anyone who is rich, poor, young or old: someone else desperately needs the light you carry. I think it's time that we each take that light and start pushing back the dark."
It is so encouraging to know that this man struggled with some of the same things as me, and God led him to a future in music anyway. I can feel deep within me that what I am doing right now is leading me toward something great. I know someone out there needs my "light," so I keep fighting for my freedom.
Push back the lies and darkness in your life until you are filled with light.
"Let your lights all shine when you feel like you're too small to do any good at all. Let your lights all shine like a sunrise through the window, like a symphony crescendo."
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