Paint Me a Musical Canvas

I had the most amazing practice room experience I have ever had in my life on Wednesday. I have told a few people about what happened, and whenever I talk about it, my little voice of reason says maybe it didn't happen quite like I experienced. Whatever did happen, I know it felt extremely powerful and left an imprint on me that will last a long time:

In my lesson on Monday, my teacher was trying to get me to shape phrases more by dynamic contrast, vibrato changes, tempo fluctuations, and shading the tone color. I have had troubles figuring out how to make the subtle changes in my tone that I have heard in many performers, so I thought...what better time to start than now!

I started my practice on Wednesday by asking myself, "How can I achieve the tone colors I am looking for?" In this question, the word "color" stuck out to me. I decided to play my long tones softly and crescendo through them. The color that came to mind for soft playing was the blue-green of ocean waves. As I grew in sound, I thought of yellow sunlight hitting those waves. Finally, I allowed the vision of yellow to grow into an orange color. I found that the color orange really seemed to help my tone, as well as various shades of green, ranging from a light yellow-green, to the blue-green ocean color, all the way to the green color of bright grass.  When I really tried pushing air through the flute, I imagined a bright red fire with sparks coming out of it. This seemed to give my tone a darker, richer quality.

I took a break and came back later to play scales. The color metaphors had been so enjoyable to experiment with in my previous practice session that I decided to try applying them to my scale exercises. For as long as I can remember, I have had difficulties playing scales, as I tend to tighten up and become less fluent in the upper register. My hands usually hurt after playing full range scales because of this. I decided to think of a color that could help me lighten up my fingers. The color light blue came to mind. To me, it is the color of the sky, of air, and I felt a light sensation pulling my head and fingers up "to the sky." I became so focused on this light blue color that my mind didn't have time to think about how "difficult" the range from G#3-D4 is. The scales felt far less difficult than they ever have before!

Now, I was really excited about this color thing. I thought, "Maybe light blue is the color of fast playing." I started playing the Mendelssohn "Scherzo from a Midsummer Night's Dream" excerpt while thinking about light blue.

Sometimes, when I practice, I like to shut the lights off and play from memory. I have heard that the visual sense can cut off access to the other senses by as much as 80%, and playing in the dark helps me tune into how my hands and air feel, and engages me mentally into the music.

I played the Mendelssohn excerpt in the dark practice room and continued to think about the blue color. I had my eyes open, focused on a spot in front of me, when suddenly, something amazing happened. I began to actually see a light blue, hazy, cloud-like circle in front of me. The closest thing I can compare it to is what occurs when you look at the sun, then look away, and see hazy spots in front of you. It was like that, only a wispy cloud texture and a light blue color. The interesting thing about it was it didn't match the original light blue I was imagining. It was a bit darker, closer to the image below than light blue:

Now, I was really living in this color idea. I moved onto the Saint-Saens "Carnival of the Animals" excerpt. I figured that blue was the color of fast playing and began to play while focusing on that color. Then, something even more amazing happened. The spot changed to a bright orange color! The picture below is the closest shade I can find to the color I saw:

At this point, I felt like I was in a perfect music world. None of my seemingly-constant performance anxiety could touch me at all. I have been having a hard time playing the "Carnival" excerpt any faster than dotted quarter = 63, but while in this state, I played it at mm. 72 for the first time - and it felt effortless! I felt protected by the color and nothing else existed but me, the color, my music, and a deep spiritual connection.

I switched to Debussy's "Prelude to the Afternoon of a Faun," which, in my head is a blue-green. However, the visual effect went away and I could only see the color inside my imagination again.

For the next 30 minutes or so, I felt extremely relaxed, as if I had come out of some sort of hypnosis. I even walked out of my practice room and forgot which room I was in because I was so wrapped up in the feeling I had just experienced.

Later that day, I tried to see the colors again. I couldn't. However, I have noticed I now can place colors with pieces much easier in my practice. The Introduction to Schubert's "Variations on Trockne Blumen" is a dark purple to me. Since visualizing this color, I find that I have begun to live in the music more.

Lately, I have been trucking along mentally, and have felt like I am overflowing with creativity.
This week, I started out very engaged in life and my music. As the week progressed, things fell off, but I truly believe that was more a lack of sleep thing than anything else. I started out being exceptionally creative in my practicing habits, but by Thursday-Friday, I was back to my old [bad] practice habits - oops. This reminds me that staying rested is just as important as practicing in my musical development.

As time has gone on since my color experience, I have tried to figure out what happened. I am not sure if I experienced a brief moment of synesthesia or something else. My theory now is that my imagination became so strong that I projected a bit of it onto my visual sense for a brief time. Whatever it was, it was very powerful.

A part of me has wondered if I truly am a musician, or just a creative person who enjoys music. This experience gave me a brief glimpse of affirmation at my inner musician. She is powerful, strong, and has a strong connection to the sounds of the flute.

I asked my teacher about what I can do to not get as nervous playing in front of people. She said, "The key is to keep your mind so full of positive thoughts that it doesn't have time to worry." I now have experienced this by myself in the practice room. As I continue to find creative ways to engage my consciousness fully into my flute, I believe the deep music I feel inside will gradually follow me outside of the practice room door and into the ears of my listeners.

"You are Your Own Best Teacher."

"You are your own best teacher. I'm here to help you know what to listen for."

I remember the day my undergraduate flute professor told me the above quote. At first, it struck me by surprise. I had come to her to learn, and always respected her as the flute master with me listening to her advice. However, as I thought about it, I realized she was right. I projected my thoughts many years into the future and visualized myself one day learning music by myself without that extra ear to guide me. What would I do then?

This quote has continued to pop up in my head off and on in the years since. Yet, there always was an empty space in my complete understanding. I never felt like I was using my time in the practice room as effectively as I could, yet I never really figured out what I needed to change to become more efficient. I practiced, I pushed myself, but many times, I would leave the practice room frustrated that I hadn't learned something, or it didn't sound like I wanted. I also heard stories of people who practiced 6 hours every day, yet I noticed my attention began to waver after 3. What was I doing wrong?

Fast forward to this week, my first week as a graduate student. For some reason, the opening quote continued to pop into my head this week. Perhaps, it was because I knew now was the time to begin making changes. I'm tired of being frustrated, trying to push through, leaving the practice room with pain in my hands, and mentally crumbling on stage. 

I was very thankful when I was handed a book of ORGANIZED daily warm-ups. They were all in one place and very successful when I applied them this week! I listened to pitch more, not only in small intervals, but larger ascending ones as well.

 I also learned that recording myself would be an efficient way to help me practice. 

CONFESSION: I always have hated listening to recordings of myself. I often hear everything that is incorrect, and instead of coming up with ways to correct the issues, I would sit and mope about how bad I sounded. This week, I am listening to recordings of myself with purpose, and I no longer hear horrible sounds being played back to me. I hear a good sound with specific details I can fix with a practice strategy. For example, I noticed this week that my tone takes awhile to "get started" and sound centered after each breath. I focused on getting my air stream flowing clearly and my vibrato started right away on the note...the issues are starting to clear up already! I was so excited, because I had made a deliberate approach, and it was working - I was being a good teacher to myself!

As I was walking away from the music building in the hot Oklahoma sun the other day, I thought about how my brain is wired. Like it or not, I have a teacher's heart. I enjoy helping others and seeing them succeed. An important thought crossed my mind: I treat everyone with this caring teacher's heart except myself. This revelation cross-connected with my past teacher's words: How could I possibly be my own best teacher unless I treated myself with the same caring patience?

I am getting better at not berating myself in the practice room. I know I have come a long way, and through focused practice, I can become even better. I have noticed in the last few weeks that I leave the practice room wishing I could play more. I don't pack up and leave in frustration anymore. It doesn't feel right without putting in work every day now. Practicing isn't as much of a chore.

Lately, I have become fascinated with the mind-body connection and its impact on music. I know a lot of my practice problems have been mental. My teacher and I pinpointed the other day that the reason why I struggle in the upper register is simply because, years ago, I told myself the upper register was difficult. I have been telling myself, "It is OK to play in the upper register," and that has been helping some.

The mind-body connection also helps me understand that it is OK that I can't practice for 6 hours every day. I noticed this summer that I reach better progress if I set an attainable 3-4 hours a day and keep it consistent, rather than wear myself out with 5+ and burn out after a day or two. The thought of deliberate practice correlates with this idea. The mind needs to be present and active in practice, and after several hours, it loses focus. 

It was a big relief to me to learn that practice can happen away from the instrument as well. I don't have to be constantly playing to see improvements. Reading books about music and listening to recordings help musicianship also. Even my love of running can be counted as beneficial to practice! Why? Because without a healthy body and mind, how am I going to be able to focus on practice? The answer is - I probably won't. My mind will shift back into distractions and mindless repetition.

I am so glad that I am learning to be kinder to myself. I know I wouldn't want a teacher who constantly sat and said how poor I was at flute playing, with the only suggestion being...play it again, and be sure to do it right this time! If I am my own best teacher, I certainly want a teacher who is kind, encouraging, and gives me specific strategies to improve.

A flute studio group hug with my undergraduate professor in May 2012.

Before things get busy again...

I have been a well-traveled individual in the last week...perhaps too well-traveled! My body and mind are just now getting caught back up after being in 1) Kearney, 2) Omaha, 3) Houston, 4) New Orleans, 5) Chicago, 6) back in Omaha, 7) Kearney again, and 8) STILLWATER! I guess, in this blog post, I will catch you up on what I was doing in each location....before I have things to do here in Oklahoma!

#1: Kearney, Nebraska: Earlier this month, I tied up the loose ends I had in Kearney. I saw friends, kept practicing, studied music history (a lot!), and of course, packed. There aren't many things in this world that I hate, but packing is one of them...due to how my creative brain functions, it hates things like cleaning, packing, and organizing...but it got done somehow!

#2: Omaha, Nebraska: On August 7, the UNK flute studio loaded up vehicles to head to Omaha! The flute choir was accepted to perform at the National Flute Convention in New Orleans, so we needed to head to Omaha the night before so we could catch our 5:45 am flight (yawn!) on the 8th. I enjoyed the travel. It was a great way to spend time with my flute studio friends before making new ones here at OSU.

The University of Nebraska-Kearney flute studio, before leaving for National Flute Convention.

#3: Houston, Texas: On August 8th, we woke up at 3 am in Omaha to catch our 5:45 flight to Houston. The flight went very smoothly. I was in the Houston airport maybe 25 minutes tops! The layover was exceptionally short, and we had to hurry to get on our flight to New Orleans.

#4 New Orleans, Louisiana: The convention in New Orleans was my second National Flute Convention. The first time I went to convention (Anaheim 2010), I felt like I was in flute heaven. I soaked up every little session I could and didn't want to leave. This time was a little different. I found that I could only take the sessions in small doses. Instead of feeling like I could do anything, I felt a bit inhibited. I saw the incredible talent and felt so far behind. I remembered my college track coach's words...when I started improving in the mile and became good enough to race against competition from D-1 schools, I had experienced this same feeling of incompetence. He told me that, the better the competition gets, the worse you feel about your ability. A person could choose to stay on the lower tier of ability and feel very good about her ability. But only by jumping into the upper tier of talent can one improve. The fact that I have the ability to make it to this tier, if only at the bottom of it, is a great compliment to my potential.

A few highlights of convention: I spent a LOT of time in the exhibit hall trying out gold flutes for fun! :) I even picked out a 10k gold used Haynes that would be fantastic to own...if I had $17,000!!

The 10K gold Haynes flute that I wish I could afford! Maybe someday!

I took a lesson with one of my favorite flutists, Gary Schocker. For some reason, my stage fright nerves followed me into that room. He helped me recognize that my performance problems extend beyond the flute. When I get nervous, I close down my voice into my chest. This transfers over into my flute playing. I learned a lot of interesting information that is helping my playing already!

Gary Schocker, performing his Three Dances for Two Flutes at National Flute Convention.

On the last day of the convention, I went to see a session by a performance anxiety specialist. I have been desperate to solve my anxiety issues, and I had a feeling that she could help. I ran into Helen Spielman before her session and chatted for awhile. I got some time to talk after the session, and told her my story...about testing at a high level of anxiety, about people telling me just to practice more to solve anxiety, about how I have so much music inside that often is left unsaid. I teared up a bit when she told me she has helped many people just like me!

#5: Chicago, Illinois: We woke up before 3 am to catch our flight back home. I slept for most of the flight into Chicago. Then, we caught the flight from Chicago back to Nebraska.

#6: Omaha, Nebraska: By the time we had arrived back in Nebraska, everyone was ready to be home! But we still had a 3 hour drive ahead of us.

#7: Kearney, Nebraska: When I got home, I was exhausted! Thankfully, my parents were a little late arriving with the trailer in which to load my belongings. I needed time to rest! I also got an hour of flute practice in, which was good. By the time all of my stuff was loaded and we got to Ruby Tuesday for supper, it was 9 pm (again, yawn!!)

#8: Stillwater, Oklahoma: We left Kearney at around 9 am. With stops, we arrived in Stillwater a little after 4 pm. About 10 miles north of the Kansas border, I finally felt what I had been searching for all summer: peace and a little excitement. God flooded me with this feeling that said, "Thank you, my child, for trusting Me, even when you did not see how it was going to turn out."

I got to my apartment, checked in, and we unloaded everything. The apartment smelled strongly of cleaning supplies at first, and I broke out in a few hives (eek!). We had the carpet re-cleaned yesterday, and things seem ok now.

I went to campus yesterday to practice, and once in the practice room, playing flowed. I felt at home. Again, God comforted me with His presence, telling me, as my loving Father, "Good job, I am proud of you."

I'm excited to finally be settled in Stillwater!

Today, I have meetings and my tests are coming up! More later!

Pre-Race Jitters

I was practicing one day when I stopped to notice a strange feeling I was experiencing. I had this big, nervous feeling in the pit of my stomach. It bothered me for a bit as I tried to figure out its source.

At first, I thought I was experiencing an enhanced type of the normal nerves I often get. After all, I'm moving soon, taking a few auditions, starting grad classes, which are all things that could set off my nervous states.

Then, I realized...I've had this feeling before...many times.

My thoughts transported back to a cross country course somewhere in Missouri. The sky was slightly overcast, with a cool breeze blowing against my shoulder. I was standing with my teammates in a small, painted box on a patch of grass. I looked to my left, then to my right, at the teams next to me. "10 minutes!" said the starter. With those words, the tension across the length of the painted line ratcheted up significantly.

Nerves before a race, at least for me, began before the season did. During the many miles of summer training, I envisioned running against talented competitors from other colleges. These weren't strong, persistent feelings, but mostly a positive visualization of the shape I would be in after all the training.

The week before the race, nerves got stronger, as I began to check weather forecasts, monitor every bit of soreness in my legs, think more about what I was eating.

An hour before the race, the nerves became something else. Senses heightened up as I noticed the chill in the air, the flags lining the course blowing in the wind, and of course, every small sensation in my body. I was running a warmup with my teammates, but I wasn't quite there. Gradually, my attention drew almost completely inward to focus on my body, my thoughts.

The fifteen minutes before the race are the longest I have ever experienced. You do and don't want the race to start at the same time. You jump around, you run strides, you check your watch every 20 seconds. Time passes exceptionally slowly. And the feeling...the feeling...

My thoughts jump back to my present flute practice as I finally identify WHAT it is I am feeling. This sensation is the exact same feeling I experienced in the 15 minutes before the cross country race. It is known as "pre-race jitters." How is this different from regular nerves? "Pre-race jitters" often stem from a place of preparedness. They are intense, but often a feeling of, "I have worked hard, now I don't know how the rest will turn out."

Me, experiencing "pre-race jitters" before clocking a 5:02 mile in February 2012.

Identifying my feelings as simple "pre-race jitters," and not "I'M UNPREPARED!!" nerves has helped me to live with them a bit more. I now feel them, but don't let them drag me down nearly as easily. The unfortunate thing is, these pre-race jitters apparently last for three weeks rather than fifteen minutes. The good thing is, I have worked to prepare. I am ready, so the thing I am nervous about is completely outside of my control.

There's nothing I can do but wait for the slow "15 minutes" of these weeks to pass. When the gun goes off, all I can do is RUN. And, in past experience, that has turned out well. :)

Running a cross country race in fall 2012.

And pack. That's another story...

Small, Achievable Goals

I am a big thinker. I think in big pictures, in color. I have big dreams that I can see.

The problem with this? I see the end. I see years from now. Then, I look at today. It doesn't add up [yet]. So, I expect more of myself. This isn't necessarily a bad thing, but I sometimes get caught up in that big picture, and I am not patient with myself in the small things.

I have been watching a series of YouTube videos from Tim VanOrden, a professional masters distance runner. A couple years ago, he published a set of videos about how to get out the door, even when depressed and unmotivated. He made a video every day during the dreary cold of Vermont winter, showing how he got out the door despite the un-motivating cold.

I relate a lot to these videos. Mr. VanOrden thinks very similarly to me. He has a fast mind, big goals, and a predisposition to anxiety. His advice has helped me in the last several days and caused me to fight, even when unmotivated.

For example, in one video, he talks about breaking activities down to the smallest steps. If he wants to go on a run, but isn't motivated, he thinks, not about "I HAVE to run," but "What is the NEXT step?"
This is as small as putting socks on. Then, he puts on shoes, a jacket, headphones, and before he knows it, what he calls the gravity of small actions has pulled him out the door.

I tried this the other day. I was feeling bummed out, and all I felt like doing was lying on my living room floor. I thought of the video: "What is my next action?" I put on running shorts, then a tank top, then shoes. I found my headphones, turned on my music. Before I knew it, I had finished a hill workout and felt a million times better. Tim said, "Putting on socks can save your life." I totally understand that now.

Confession: I'm not motivated to practice every day. It doesn't always sound appealing. Maybe some musicians are consistently motivated, but I have a feeling many are like me. We love our instruments, but sometime we hate the time-commitment-tie they have on us, too.

Why keep going? Who are the ones who persevere? We are the ones who do what we love, EVEN when we don't necessarily feel like it, because we know pushing through will ultimately make us happier than quitting. Meeting our goals and setting new ones give us a sense of accomplishment.

I tried the "next step" approach with my flute playing. "What is the next step?" : Put together your flute, play Taffanel/Gaubert #4, play Reichart #1, play long tones, open up your Paul-Edmund Davies warm-up book, play your Bach C Major Sonata mvt. 2 for articulation, play Carnival of the Animals..

Wow...I just got an hour of warm-ups in.

If I don't feel motivated to work on pieces : Pick up the music, open up your Reinecke Concerto, memorize the first two lines, the first section...

Before I know it, I've played 3 hours total.

"But I don't WANT to study theory!!" whines my inner self. : Pick up the book, read half a chapter, do an exercise....

I reviewed first and second species counterpoint.

"Oh my goodness, I have to pass SIX sections of music history tests!!" " First step...pick up the book, read about the late middle ages for a couple days.

I know what the Ars Nova is.

.......

You get the idea. Give it a try in your own life. Don't put the pressure of the world on yourself all at once. Try small, achievable goals, whether it is in fitness, music, work, talking to people, whatever... It helps so much.

Set those big goals. But don't forget about the small, achievable goals that get us there. Every step, no matter if it is just putting socks on, gets us closer to the big picture we see in our mind.

RELAX!

"What is the one thing I can do to become a better flute player?"

In July 2011, I traveled from Nebraska to the Gary Schocker summer masterclass in West Park, NY. During the last day of the class, I had the opportunity to take a lesson with Mr. Schocker. This was one of the most informative 30 minutes of my life. At the end, he asked me, "Do you have any questions to ask me?"

I felt like the Buddhist pilgrim, who had climbed to the top of the mountain to ask the wise sage the most important question I could conceive. I poised, waiting for the important response:

"Lie on the floor for 20 minutes every day."

I was extremely puzzled...the ONE thing I could do to improve at flute playing had nothing to do with flute playing? WHAT?

I had a sort of deja vu moment a few weeks ago with my teacher here in Nebraska. I finished playing in my lesson, and asked her if she thought I had what it takes to be successful in the next stage of my flute playing life. She said, "Relax, and everything else is fine."

Two years later, after some extreme re-examining of my life, I finally know what Gary was talking about. The main obstacle in all of my life is my seeming inability to RELAX.

I have always been an energetic person. I have a constant drive to be doing things, ANYTHING besides relaxing. I want to be productive and successful. However, as I progressed through college, this energy started working against me. I had so much nervous energy that it actually was causing mistakes in my playing, tension in my life, mental fatigue, and a whole lot of frustration. I got to the point that I couldn't focus on homework or studying because of the stress energy. This constant pushing toward some goal seemed inexhaustible. And certainly, it was, for when I had success, the bar jumped higher, before I could even celebrate the progress of what I had attained.

In the last couple months, I finally have begun to accept help. I realize the energy was mostly anxiety driven. I had been pushing, not to achieve, but to outrun this constant sense that failure seemed just around the corner. That failure has never come, but the fear of it has remained.

I have sought counseling and medical help for my anxiety disorder. And in the last few weeks, I have finally begun to see some progress. Medication has helped me calm down a bit, and not have negativity drilling my brain every minute. I am beginning to see that life isn't about outrunning some predicted failure, but about continuing to learn.

Yoga has helped, too! My running motivation has come back, but the medication I am on is blocking that extra anxious energy, so I can't run as fast as I used to be able to. I am willing to make that tradeoff to save my flute passion.

I was telling a friend the other day, that the more I learn about the flute, the more I feel like I don't know. He just smiled and said, "It's all part of the journey!" I like this approach to life better. I want to keep learning and growing. As I keep growing, my life will go somewhere great. I need to put things like unemployment out of my mind. Failure? Failure only comes to the fear-filled, those who fold because they think they can't do it. Sure, I will stumble. But I believe my growth will outgrow my stumbles. I don't need to be perfect....I need to RELAX!

One month til moving day...more updates as we get closer. Until then, check out this awesome video. It gave me a bit of a push to go practice!!

New Home, New Hope

After going through a couple scheduling issues, Mom and I FINALLY got the opportunity to drive to Stillwater to find a place for me to live. I had to work until 1 P.M. last Sunday, so we ended up leaving Kearney about 1:30 or so. It's a 6.5 hour drive from Kearney to Stillwater, around 420 miles, so we got there around 8 P.M. It was a nice drive, and it's always great to spend some time talking with my mom. :)

Mom was much more excited about apartment hunting than me. If I had it my way, I would look at one apartment, it would be "perfect," I would sign the paperwork, and spend the rest of the day doing something fun. Unfortunately, it doesn't work that way. Good thing Mom was enthusiastic, as her energy pushed me through the day!

First, we looked at some apartments that were decently close to campus. The first was an expensive dorm-style; I've spent 5 years at an undergrad, and NO MORE, so that was scratched! We looked at 3 more close to campus. One was decent, but a bit expensive for the space. The others weren't so impressive. I went into one, and immediately knew it wouldn't work, because it had one small light on the living room ceiling. I NEED a good amount of light to function!

Apartment #5 was much more promising. It was probably around 3 miles from campus, but it was on the bus route. The complex was quiet, clean, had good upkeep, had a pool, was down the street from a gorgeous park, and was a great price for the 820 sq. feet I would get. I would have been OK with signing on the spot for this view:

...but Mom wanted to keep looking.

Over the course of the day, we probably looked at a dozen apartments, including one house. Finally, I decided the apartment by the lake was my new home!! I passed the credit check, so BOOM!... I will get to move into our apartment mid-August!!! 

After signing, we explored the lake (with running trail - BONUS!) It was a good time. :)

I'm pretty excited about my new home. I've noticed a new hope and spring in my step. I'm almost leaving for a brand new adventure!!