The "Flute Win" Book

This past week has definitely been on filled with learning experiences. I found out the results from two competitions, neither of which I won. My first (and natural) reaction to these events is to be terribly disappointed. It is difficult to invest your heart into something and then have someone tell you, "No."

However, the difference between now and when I have previously been declined from auditions and competitions is that there is another voice fighting for its say within me. It is saying, "Wait a minute...something isn't right here."

I performed in this same competition one year ago. I remember not sleeping the night before, tossing and turning in bed because I was so nervous. I got out on the stage and felt terrible. For 30 minutes, I didn't feel like I was performing at all, but simply trying not to panic. After that competition, I felt so terrible about myself and my playing that it was difficult to get myself to play at all. I took my graduate school auditions in January and hardly touched my flute until April.

This year, I was nervous, but it wasn't a crippling nervous. It caused a couple stumbles early on, but I still feel like I got my message across. I even performed a piece from memory without slips! Instead of my comment sheets being filled with details like intonation and technical problems, I actually received a lot of compliments. Simply receiving comments to improve more "mature" musical aspects like phrasing is definitely a step forward.

I have been doing quite a bit of reflecting since on what causes ebbs and flows in my desire to practice and my perception of myself as a player. I realize I have been taking most of my feedback from other people and treating it as face-value truth. In the music world, compliments are rare and like diamonds: musicians treasure them when we get them! No wonder I sometimes feel like I am not a very good player! I play, fishing for those compliments and competition wins; in the meantime, I never stop to check my own experience.

The truth is, no one knows my musical journey except for me. A judge who listens to me play for 30 minutes doesn't know that I grew up 140 miles from the nearest professional flutist, that I didn't take a single flute lesson until I was 16, that the only "flute literature" I played before college was a Handel sonata and part of a Mozart flute concerto, that I didn't know how to play my minor scales until I came to college,  and that I didn't own a professional model flute until three years ago. The judge doesn't see my performance anxiety struggles I've gone through, and all the help I have sought out to finally see some freedom in my performances. No one knows the hard work I had to put in the last couple years to improve as much as I have: except me.

I don't expect anyone listening to me to care about any of these things. However, I need to remember and give myself credit for my progress. If I wait for others to give me a "good job," I will probably be waiting quite a long time.

As I was thinking about these things yesterday, I had a sudden desire to go to the bookstore. I wanted to buy a new practice journal. I have one already, but as I thought about it, it is filled more with things to pay attention to and practice than credit for the many improvements I make along the way. I am very detail oriented and good at hearing the things I am doing incorrectly; yet, I often forget what I am doing well.

I bought what I am calling the "flute win" book. In this journal, nothing but positive thoughts can be written. As I fill this book with positive thoughts, I can continually go back and see the positive progress I have made along the way. This is not meant to be some sort of self-gloating exercise, but simply one of credit - the credit that only I can give to myself. Instead of waiting for a competition or audition win, I can track the small "flute wins" that happen on a daily basis, small improvements that are easy to gloss over in a desire to be better.

My "Flute Win" practice journal.

I want to have a happy, fulfilling life in music, and it starts by speaking kind words to myself.

Happy practicing!