New Home, New Hope

After going through a couple scheduling issues, Mom and I FINALLY got the opportunity to drive to Stillwater to find a place for me to live. I had to work until 1 P.M. last Sunday, so we ended up leaving Kearney about 1:30 or so. It's a 6.5 hour drive from Kearney to Stillwater, around 420 miles, so we got there around 8 P.M. It was a nice drive, and it's always great to spend some time talking with my mom. :)

Mom was much more excited about apartment hunting than me. If I had it my way, I would look at one apartment, it would be "perfect," I would sign the paperwork, and spend the rest of the day doing something fun. Unfortunately, it doesn't work that way. Good thing Mom was enthusiastic, as her energy pushed me through the day!

First, we looked at some apartments that were decently close to campus. The first was an expensive dorm-style; I've spent 5 years at an undergrad, and NO MORE, so that was scratched! We looked at 3 more close to campus. One was decent, but a bit expensive for the space. The others weren't so impressive. I went into one, and immediately knew it wouldn't work, because it had one small light on the living room ceiling. I NEED a good amount of light to function!

Apartment #5 was much more promising. It was probably around 3 miles from campus, but it was on the bus route. The complex was quiet, clean, had good upkeep, had a pool, was down the street from a gorgeous park, and was a great price for the 820 sq. feet I would get. I would have been OK with signing on the spot for this view:

...but Mom wanted to keep looking.

Over the course of the day, we probably looked at a dozen apartments, including one house. Finally, I decided the apartment by the lake was my new home!! I passed the credit check, so BOOM!... I will get to move into our apartment mid-August!!! 

After signing, we explored the lake (with running trail - BONUS!) It was a good time. :)

I'm pretty excited about my new home. I've noticed a new hope and spring in my step. I'm almost leaving for a brand new adventure!!

Question #2

I bought a basketball last week. I drove by the outdoor basketball court near my house almost every day, and one day, I got the urge to buy one. I wasn't entirely sure why.
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When people see my life, I often get two immediate questions: 1) some variant of, "How do you motivate/push yourself to do that things you do?" and 2) "Do you have any hobbies, anything you do simply for fun?"

I know the answer to Question #1 is a routine-centered thing. Working hard at activities I enjoy gives me a push in life to be the best me I can be. The answer to Question #2? I've shoved that one off for years. After all, I enjoy flute playing and I enjoy running...heck, I often even enjoy studying.

Yet, the times when life usually feels most unenjoyable are the times of year most people look forward to - summer break and winter break. These are the times in which obligations and deadlines temporarily stop. For many, this is a welcome release, but for me, this is the danger zone. Why? Because of my lack of response to Question #2!

The last time someone asked me Question #2, I paused to really think about it. I realized that, besides watching random TLC shows on Netflix, I didn't really have ANY activity that I did for fun and purely for FUN! Music has become part of my career pursuit, and running is off and on. Sometimes, it is fun, but often, the inner expectation to be fast or fit or thin makes it feel like a stale obligation.

I've taken my new basketball to the court down the street twice so far. Once, I went with another person and chatted while shooting hoops. Today, I went by myself, turned on my Christian tunes, and cleared my mind. Am I good at shooting a basketball? No! I'd say I miss 85% of the shots I take at this point. But it just for fun, so it doesn't matter! Now I know why I had the urge to buy a basketball. This purchase was part of a response to Question #2.

As I write this, I am sitting in a beautiful park. I only live 1/4 of a mile away from this park and the basketball court across the street, yet I hardly ever come here. Look at these pictures, and you can see how silly it is that I don't come to this beautiful, peaceful place more often!

I hope I have found part of my answer to Question #2. I am looking forward to seeking out other outlets for personal regeneration and growth. I really want to go to the library and check out some quality literature to replace all the empty TV shows I've been watching. Someone once told me that we all have an emotional bank account. When we empty it by working and giving of ourselves, the only way we can keep going is by filling it back up again. I recognize I have sometimes let my well run dry, and am accepting that it is OK to take the time to fill it up. I hope, that by investing in an answer to Question #2, it will help fuel my response to Question #1. Together, the things God has put into my heart will lead to a full, purpose-driven life!

My Favorite YouTube Video

Tonight is one of those "watch-YouTube-videos" kind of nights.

I was feeling a little "blah," so I was looking for some motivation. I always seem to find this video. It is my favorite video of all the millions of videos on YouTube. It is about Ryan Hall, an American professional distance runner. In this video, Ryan talks about his conversion from wanting to succeed at running so badly, in a sense, worshiping running success, to running for Christ.

As a runner, I often correlate running with my music. I love to make cross-connections. Many things that Ryan says about running in this video apply to me in my music, and when I am discouraged, there is nothing quite like this video to refocus me. Below are a few quotes Ryan says, and what I gather from them:

"I was frustrated with life. I wanted to go to the Olympics so badly and had worked so hard for my goal, yet despite all my efforts, it didn't matter. Here I was, four years later, watching others live my dream. It was a devastating time in my life, but God used it to teach me some very important lessons. He taught me that running had become my God. Even though I knew Jesus, I wasn't looking to Him to find the satisfaction I was so desperately seeking. My sense of worth and my joy was totally dependent on how well I was running. The result of having running as my God was frustration, worry, depression, and discontentment with life." 

Insert "flute playing" for "running" in the above paragraph, and I have been there. I have often placed so much worth on how well I was playing that I became discouraged and depressed when things weren't living up to my unrealistic expectations.

"I had become like the rich man, who, when asked how much money was enough, replied, 'A little more.'"

I, too, have troubles enjoying my successes, because I am already living years ahead of now at the end of my goals. But Christ calls me to live here and trust Him day by day. How do we do this?

"I am convinced that the good life is a life of discipline, following hard after Christ...I feel God calling me to run free, free from having to make the team, free from the need to prove myself, free from the worries of this world, free to run with passion and praise for God, free to pour myself out for Him, not for me."

This is such a difficult task. It's easy for the logical side of my brain to take over and say, "You have to do this-and-this or you won't be good enough, you won't get a good job, you will be a failure." But I know these things are worried lies of this world. My God CREATED the world and He will take care of all of us! Let's live free!

"There is only one person who can say they are the best in the world, and they can only boast of this for a short time. So what does this mean for the rest of us, who believe and strive to be the best in the world, yet fall short of our goal? If we can't accomplish our goal, does this make us all failures? Are 99% of the people out there wasting their lives because they never made it to the top? Of course not. The hope I want to encourage you with is that we all can run with him and experience a joy more fulfilling than any performance or accomplishment we can dream of. We can all have the satisfying, abundant life that Christ promised us."

I love this quote. Ryan reminds me that it's all about Christ. I want the life the Lord gave me to shine through in all I do. My music is just a tool to communicate and help other people find joy. I continue to work, step by step, to take hold of my joy. How about you?

Three Dances for Two Flutes and Piano Gary Schocker Luis Alfredo Gonzale...

The middle movement of this duo always makes me feel introspective and a bit teary. I admire Gary Schocker so much!!

My Flute

This morning, I am listening to various flute recordings that I have from throughout college. It is interesting and rewarding to see the growth in my playing. I was surprised to listen to recordings from late 2011 - these recordings were taken less than 2 years ago, but I know there is a mile of difference between my playing now and my playing then. This recognition re-boosted my confidence in my flute track and where I'm going with my playing. I give myself credit that I have come a long way in my flute playing, and while I am nowhere near where I would like to be, I have the potential to continue to make big leaps in my level of playing.

I just turned on a recording from my senior recital last October, and the difference from this and my 2011 recordings, one year prior, is like night and day. I sound more confident and have a direction to my music.

As I listen to these recordings, I would like to reflect on the main tool that aided me in making my leaps forward - my flute!

The story of how I got my current flute goes back to the year 2000. I was 10 years old at the time, fresh out of 4th grade, and ready to start band in the fall! My family rented my first flute from Lou Kraus Music in Ogallala, NE. We found me a beautiful beginner model Yamaha, which I loved and served me well for almost 7 years. For a beginner model, this instrument truly was high quality. I wish I still remembered the model it was, for I would recommend it to any young flutist! This flute was simple enough that I was able to play it at a young age, yet high-quality enough that I made it into the Nebraska All-State band with it. I eventually traded it in to help offset the cost of upgrading to an intermediate model. Surprisingly, like the pet stories you hear every now and then, it "returned" to me. A young girl moved to Wallace and wanted to play flute in the band. The flute she rented out? MY OLD FLUTE! :)

Toward the end of my junior year in high school, I knew I needed a flute upgrade. Going to all-state band and being the ONLY flutist without an open-holed flute was a humbling experience. I upgraded to a Yamaha 381 model (pictured below). I remember being attracted to the gold-colored lip plate. Later, I found out that the gold plating there probably didn't make any sort of difference in my sound. Oh well, it was pretty!

The Yamaha 381 was "amazing" to me for a couple years only. Then, I realized that it really was sort of a junky flute compared to what is out there! I had no idea of this, as I remember the Yamaha was the nicest instrument in the store in North Platte, NE.

However, the Yamaha was nice enough that I managed to get accepted to play at the 2010 National Flute Association's Collegiate Flute Choir. This was my chance!!!! There were going to be flutes GALORE there, and I knew it was time to FINALLY invest in a professional model.

I had no idea how much these flutes really costed until the convention. I remember setting a budget for myself of around $6,500 (the amount of money in my entire summer job life savings...) to get a new flute.

I walked up to the Brannen Brothers table at convention and told them my budget range. They kindly told me that their prices STARTED at $11,000 and gave me a water bottle. I took my souvenir and walked away.

I tried a few more flutes. I did find a Muramatsu heavy-wall flute for around my $6,500 budget that I liked. Yet, there was something not quite right about it. I had a feeling there might be something better out there for me.

I admitted to myself that there was no way I was going to be able to afford a flute that cost me over 10 grand. My solution? I went out to the used flutes board to see what I could find for a cheaper price "behind-the-scenes." I looked the board over and spotted an advertisement for one of those fancy Brannen flutes that I had seen for such high prices in the display room. The list price for one of the flutes out here on the board was $9,000 - still over my budgetary range, but I wanted to at least check it out.

I called the number of the owner and set up a testing. Now, my flute teacher from here in Nebraska was originally from Germany and a student of world-renowned flutist Michael Faust. Mr. Faust happened to be at the convention and was willing to check out this used flute I was about to purchase to make sure the price was fair.

This was one of those moments I will never forget. I was meeting in a hotel room with the owner of the flute, my teacher, and Michael Faust. I remember feeling chills and thoughts of, "Is this actually happening???" What a special day!

Mr. Faust determined that $9,000 was over-charging for the flute. He found out the owner had originally bought the flute back in 2000 for $7,500, and since flutes don't appreciate in value, that $9,000 was far too much to ask. Now, it was possible that I might be able to get this flute! I gave it a day or two to think before blowing my life savings.

Finally, on the last day of the convention, I decided I wanted to talk to the owner about potentially purchasing her Brannen. I met her in the lobby of the convention hotel and attempted to bargain down the price. "$8,500," she said. I told her I couldn't pay any more than $8,000. I was going to pay my $6,500 in savings, and my parents were going to spot me the rest. She looked unsure, but then agreed.

The feeling I had in that moment is one I will never forget. I remember my stomach feeling as if it had fallen down straight to the floor, and reality pausing for a moment in time. I really had just spent EVERYTHING...on this flute. We paid the owner the money, and I sat down with my brand new (to me!), shiny, solid sterling silver flute. I looked at it and let the reality wash over me. I had never imagined I would own an instrument this nice before. Below is a photo of my Brannen Millennium flute.

Are there better flutes in the world than the one I purchased? Of course. But I feel so blessed to have my flute. Three years later, I can reflect back and acknowledge that without this flute, I wouldn't have made it this far. I definitely wouldn't have the opportunity to be moving to Oklahoma if I hadn't purchased it. And while it can be a pain (I normally have to take it in for repairs every 6 months), I love my flute.

Speaking of my flute, I had better dig out some music and practice! If you have read this far, thanks for following my blog!

We Learn As We Grow

My new flute teacher and I planned out my summer today via phone call. I hung up the phone after talk about repertoire, technique exercises, orchestral excerpts, competitions, and places to live. I had a mixture of feelings: a bit of excitement, a LOT of nervousness. As I think about it a few hours later, this experience reminded me a lot of my sophomore year of high school:

I never was very good at sports growing up. My three sisters were. But I always went around, assuming I was the un-athletic kid. I worked hard, yet I warmed a lot of benches. I learned in junior high that I was decently fast. That's the only athletic gift I had. I would win some second place ribbons at the junior high track meets, but never any of the coveted blue ribbons.

One day in practice sophomore year, we were running 600s around our football field, and my track coach saw a spark. He approached me and told me he was going to enter me in the 800. I had been racing the the 200, 100 hurdles, 300 hurdles, and 4x400 relay at the time, and here my coach was, telling me to run a mid-distance event! I listened and agreed to give it a shot.

When race day came and the gun went off, I did what I knew best: I ran - hard. One lap, then another. I finished in 2:27 for my first 800. This was state qualifying material for Class D in Nebraska. My coach kept me there! I ended up winning the next meet (districts) and was off to state in Omaha!

I don't remember everything about the events leading up to that race, but I have vivid memories of bits and pieces. I remember sitting at my kitchen table Wednesday (before the Saturday race in Omaha), putting my head down on the table, and crying. Why? I felt so overwhelmed. Here I was, a scrawny 120 lb, 15 year old, the "un-athletic kid," from a place with more cattle than people, and I was about to go to Omaha Burke High School to run in front of thousands of spectators. I had ran the 800 twice.

The other memory I have is from the end of the state race. I'm running, the crowd is cheering, and I'm nearing the final turn. I'm running out of energy, and I'm still overwhelmed. I tripped a little on the railing that lined the inside of the track. And I finished second-to-last in my heat, 18th out of 24 overall.

Something happened the next year. As a junior, I came back more confident, and my times started cutting down, with a peak of 2:21 and a 3rd place finish at state. My senior year, I finished second at state in the 800 and was a mile state champion.

How does any of this relate to where I am now? Well, I feel like that 10th grader, sitting at my table. I feel overwhelmed. I am about to dive into a world that contains a plethora of talented flutists. "I'm just a girl from rural Nebraska," has often crossed my mind. I have tripped several times already and still don't feel entirely comfortable.

The great thing is that I remember what happened after the discomfort of discovering a talent. Initially, I dealt with success by being afraid. Why? Because that success also meant responsibility. It meant believing that I had the ability to compete with others in a higher tier who were also talented. And the better I got, the better the competition got. I had my share of folding, but I also learned that yes, I was able to adjust and become one of the running crowd, to the point of being a leader on a college team.

As I sit here in Nebraska, anticipating what is ahead, I keep the bigger picture in mind. I know that in flute playing, I will adjust and continue to grow. I will become more comfortable in a community of talent and stop to acknowledge that if I made it this far, I must have some talent, too.

The most important lesson, in retrospect, that I learned from my past experiences with running is that, in the end, none of the results from a statistical standpoint really mattered. What did matter is that I pushed myself to be the best I could be, that I used the potential God gave me, simply because He gave it to me. I seek the same goal in music.
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"Therefore, since we are surrounded by such a great cloud of witnesses, let us throw off everything that hinders and the sin that so easily entangles. Let us run with perseverance the race marked out for us, fixing our eyes on Jesus, the leader and perfecter of faith. For the joy set before Him, He endured the cross, scorning its shame, and sat down at the right hand of the throne of God." ~ Hebrews 12:1-2

For the Love of the Game

I was talking to my dad recently. The conversation went something like this:

Me: "I'm going to Lincoln this weekend."
Dad: "What for?"
        "I'm running the Lincoln Half Marathon. I didn't train for it, but I paid $60 for it, so I'm going to run it!!"
        "I wouldn't pay to run 13 miles. You couldn't pay ME enough to run 13 miles!"

Motivation...it's a funny thing. I think most of us start doing a task because something about the activity interests us. We keep doing it for awhile because we find out we're good at it and get some sort of extrinsic motivator. We improve, win a race, get a compliment.

Somewhere down the line, extrinsic motivation becomes not enough to keep carrying us through. Yes, we can keep doing a job for the money as long as we push ourselves through it, but the fire for it will die unless we find it intrinsically motivating.

I am not your average person. If I love something, I find any way possible to fit it into my life. This is how I managed to fit the running/flute/school combo into my college schedule. Contrarily, if I don't like something (cooking and cleaning, cough cough...), I tend to avoid it until I really need to do it.

I will admit, I am an achievement-oriented person. I really like being good at stuff. This carried me through most of college.

Recently, I have noticed a shift in the way I approach things. I'm not playing my flute just to be really good at it anymore...How do I know this? Because of sacrifice. The sacrifice of a well-paying job in my field to continue to pursue my life as a musician showed me something deeper.

This week, I have been looking for a summer job to make a little extra cash before I start graduate school. I've filled out five applications. I have discovered that it is quite difficult to get a low-key job after graduating with a degree! Now, an employer just has to look at my education history and know that I am only going to be a temporary employee. I had an interview today. It was the shortest interview I've ever had: 10 minutes. The last question was, "What are your plans for the next two years?" I had to tell them about graduate school coming up. That seemed to shut down the interview pretty quickly, and I'm not holding my breath.

I have another job interview soon at a store that doesn't require a high school degree to work there. I keep thinking about the teaching job I was offered and how I wouldn't have to ever go through this process again if I would have taken one. And then, more of the weight of my love of music hit me. One doesn't go looking for low-key, likely minimum wage jobs after graduation without a driving force behind it. Mine isn't fame, or money, or accolades, but simply...an intrinsic love to keep learning more about my music.

I was browsing musicalchairs.info awhile ago, because I was curious about the pay for orchestral musicians. I clicked on the Seattle Symphony advertisement for a 3rd flute, and it was only somewhere around $10,000 for the year. Yet, I know that HUNDREDS of flutists practiced hours and hours to try to get that position. I stopped to wonder, "Why?" And it hit me even harder that musicians, like me, don't do any of this because it will make us financially secure. We do it because it is what makes us the most happy. We do it FOR THE LOVE OF THE GAME.

Running a half marathon this past weekend reminded me of the correlation between music and athletics. I thought about the conversation with my dad, how he didn't understand why I would pay to run 13 miles! I thought about all the half and full marathoners there, about WHY runners would do this.  Why put ourselves through THOUSANDS of miles of training and then pay to put ourselves through pain? And it hit me even harder that runners like me, don't do any of this because it will make us win first place in the race. We do it because it is what makes us the most happy. We do it FOR THE LOVE OF THE GAME.

I am beginning to become more proud of myself than I have ever been. I am proud of myself for following who I am and not letting the lure of money tear me away so easily. I have my whole life to earn money. For now, it's a season to keep chasing the things I love. I hope you all do the same.

I would like to end a quote from one of my favorite flutists on this topic:

"We are musicians for the simple-yet-hard-to-understand reason that this is WHO we are. There is no choice in the matter. It's not based on anticipated income, fame, fortune, or any other criteria that society uses to measure our impact as individuals. Talent is talent. It is a God-given grace to us. It is WHO we are, not WHAT we are, that is important.
'The crucial issue is to look in the mirror carefully and ask yourself what gives you the most pleasure, the most fulfillment. It is not about succeeding or failing. You can have every assurance that if you follow that voice within that says what gives you the most personal sense of achievement, that's what you do. In the end, you are only going to find that sense of accomplishment by 'following your heart,' as the saying goes." 
-- Brooks de Wetter-Smith, Professor of Flute, University of North Carolina-Charlotte