Confidence

I’m going to talk about a tough topic for me. I am by no means an expert on this topic; in fact, I wouldn’t even consider it to be one of my strong points. However, as the expanse of winter break has opened up before me, I have had time to think and formulate some theories on the following topic:

Confidence.

A look at that word sparks some interesting feelings in me. On one hand, it makes me want to cower in a corner, because confidence means opening myself up to vulnerability, and that can be frightening. On the other hand, I feel my sense of self reach out for it with curiousity, wondering, “Where could I go if I had that? How far could my potential stretch?”

What does confidence even mean? Dictionary nerd time:

“a feeling or consciousness of one's powers or of reliance on one's circumstances <had perfect confidence in her ability to succeed> <met the risk with brash confidence>

b :  faith or belief that one will act in a right, proper, or effective way <have confidence in a leader>”

(www.mirriam-webster.com/dictionary/confidence)

Confidence isn’t necessarily a quality one has or doesn’t have. It is something that must be developed. It is a “feeling,” “consciousness,” “faith,” and mostly, a “belief.” Confidence, simply, is belief in yourself. How could one lose this belief?

We live in an imperfect world. Humans tend to not understand other humans who think or act differently. I know in my life, I have been met with doubters. I was bullied growing up, and in this way, I felt my passions be undermined. I loved the things I did, but I started not to love myself. “Maybe they’re right. Maybe I am weird, too self-absorbed in these things, and even crazy. After all, I’m not like the rest of the people I see around me. There must be something wrong with me.”

These feelings eventually changed into something else. They became a deeply rooted fear of criticism. I began to work really hard, constantly fearing failure. Confidence? I didn’t really have it. I was really good at working hard, but my sense of self would crumble under even the idea of failure. 

I carried doubt with me as I went forward, but deep down, I always had this small voice. That little voice whispered possibilities and passions. It was responsible for me continuing on and doing things the outside world didn’t understand – flute playing and long distance running, what a combination!

I have been blessed with a gift that is a bit of a dual-edged sword. I have the gift to sense the internal worlds of people and to see injustices of how the world works – the small ticks of events that just don’t seem right somehow. Because of this, I am able to open my heart with big words of encouragement to people. There is one problem.

For the longest time, I wasn’t able to show this compassion to myself. Lately, with help from key individuals, I have turned this skill inwards. I saw how several thoughts in my head didn’t match up with the small voice deep down. I now know that the small voice is my confidence. I do have it after all. It has been buried under a deep blanket of memories, injuries, insecurities, false beliefs, and fears. The wounded side of my sensitive self put a barrier over my confidence, because if I didn’t have confidence, if I didn’t show my expectations outwardly, I couldn’t fail, and therefore, I couldn’t let the world hurt me.

My adult self is really getting annoyed with this coping mechanism. The internal voice of endless possibilities and positivity calls to me. It says, “You have a message to share. Please stop shoving it down. Someone really needs to be inspired by you!”

I believe this same wrestling match goes on inside every human being. We fight between conforming for acceptance and therefore being “safe,” or jumping off the cliff of risk and releasing our true selves. I look around me and see a one-sided approach to life. I see many fighting this same internal battle, but the solution they receive from others for their fears is a one-size-fits-all solution. Afraid of performing a piece of music? “Practice more. Your unease must stem from being unprepared.” 

In truth, I believe fears run much deeper than simple solutions. I believe many need to find the small voice of their true selves hiding under their primal defense mechanisms, invite it inside for a cup of tea, make it nice and comfortable, and then interview it.

“Who are you?”

“I am the true you. I am confident and strong.”

“Where have you been?”

“I have been waiting for you to let me out. I love you and see your potential. We’ll probably get a few bruises along the way, but we are going to have a lot of fun!”

This process, I can tell you, is not all rainbows and butterflies. It is deeply painful. It requires a person to look every fear straight in the face and reckon with it. No wonder it is difficult to overcome. It is a lifelong journey of self-discovery.

I am beginning to accept all the things about myself I thought were “weird.” There even are some qualities about myself I find downright annoying, but I know all of it contributes to my gift of an introspective nature. Confidence slowly peeks out of its cage as I realize I am who I am, and nothing anyone says or does can change that. I will fail a few [or several] times, and that is OK. My best contribution to this world comes from releasing my inner self.

“Hello, Confidence. Make yourself at home. Would you like a cup of tea?”

A song to check out: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=qj5fMIKe47w

Looking Back, Looking Ahead

My first semester of graduate school has definitely been an adventure. Two days from the writing of this post, I will play my jury and turn in my final draft of my first graduate term paper. No matter how those things turn out, by Wednesday, I can say that I made it through!

I have been challenged by school here in ways that I never have been before. When I overcome each challenge, I find that there are infinite more aspects of my playing to improve. This has both been really frustrating and really enlightening. I am a person who likes things to be good now, and when I see the vast expanse of necessary improvements open up before me, I often get overwhelmed by all there is to fix. I am not very skilled at breaking down challenges one-by-one. A look at how I attempt to "organize" my house will show you this. I put things away, and they stay put for about a day or two. Then, things start to slowly expand and end up all over the house - especially shoes....oh my goodness, migrating shoes...

In short, my brain has a tendency to "cast a wide net," leading me into multitasking, attempting to work out solutions to everything at once, getting frustrated when I can't quickly find a solution, and feeling bad about myself when things aren't as good as they can be (which really, they never are! There's always ways to improve.).

Also, I have learned how average my playing really is. I am another fish in the flute-playing sea. A tough lesson I'm learning is, not everyone will like my playing. Even if I practiced and practiced for years and became a "flute master" (think ninja with a flute), some people wouldn't like my playing, not because I wasn't "good," but maybe because they prefer a different sound or style of playing.

I have been getting down about my playing lately. I have lost all the competitions I've entered. Confession: I HATE LOSING. I think it's my inner athlete. And the fact that, well, I don't think anyone likes to lose. I woke up one morning, still bummed about it, and then I got contacted by someone who wanted to pay me to come play for them. And then it clicked:

Some people won't like my playing at all, some will think it is ok, and others will like it.

Realizing this opened up a small place of freedom in me. Just because someone doesn't like my playing or I lose a competition doesn't mean I should throw my hands up and say, "I'm terrible!" (That would cause me to drop the flute, among other things. ;) ). It means I am neutral. It means the outside opinions will always vary, but as long as I believe in what I am doing (and keep practicing), I won't be "terrible," I shouldn't "quit playing," and I'm definitely not a "failure." I am a musician who shares a part of me with those who care to listen. Music makes me happy (I forget this when I am stressed out). 

I will admit, when I came here, I started out a little fast. I came out, guns blazing, saying "I'm going to practice hours and hours every day!!!" .... I accelerated my practicing really quickly, leading to a bit of a practice burnout by the end of the semester. I still played every day, but the quality of practice started to suffer. I am in recovery from this and thinking, "What can I do differently to make next semester better?" I have come up with a few activities that could help:

1) Don't feel pressured to play "x" amount of time a day. Play as long as energy allows, as improvement comes. If I'm feeling a little down energy wise, attempt to power through it. If the wall persists, don't force anything. This makes overcoming the wall worse. Embrace the wall. Play something fun for a little bit. Or walk away and do a restorative activity. 

2) Add some meditation into my practice. I once asked a teacher, "What is one thing I can do to make my playing better?" The teacher said, "Lie on the floor for 20 minutes a day." Off and on, I have tried this, but not succeeded, as it actually is more difficult than it sounds! I'm going to start using my yoga mat over break and do some mind-calming exercises.

3) Don't think about everything at once. Break practice up into sessions, and keep the goal of the session ONLY on one piece or set of pieces at a time. Ex. 1) warm-ups, 2) 1-2 pieces of rep, 3) orchestra excerpts, 4) piccolo. Let the mind be focused only on each session's activities, and bring it back if it tries to wander off into other music or daily worries.

4) Re-incorporate restorative, healing, "me time" activities back into life. For me, this especially includes running. I am an introvert, and the activity of running allows me to reconnect with myself, set non-flute-related goals, feel proud of myself, and release the "feel good" chemicals. I focused on the graduate school / living in a new place adjustment in the last several months and really let running go by the wayside. I've picked it back up in the last month and have remembered why I love it so much. Last week, I ran 5 days, and yesterday, I ran 8 miles on the treadmill. My goal over winter break is to keep it at a consistent 6 days a week.

5) Keep speaking positive words to myself. Somewhere along the line, I got in the cyclical habit of negative thought patterns. I have been working to re-train my mind. I notice that, whenever I stray from the path of speaking positive words to myself, my mind travels back along the well-beaten path of negative thoughts. Positivity is a miracle cure and creates a happy life!

I have come a long way in the last few months. I am a lot better flutist than I was when I got here, but I also see the huge gap between where I am and where I want to be. Sometimes, perseverance is really difficult. I remind myself that, as long as I keep practicing and moving forward, the only way to go is up! 

"One of the commonest mistakes and one of the costliest is thinking that success is due to some genius, some magic - something or other which we do not possess. Success is generally due to holding on, and failure to letting go. You decide to learn a language, study music, take a course of reading, train yourself physically. Will it be success or failure? It depends upon how much pluck and perseverance that word "decide" contains. The decision that nothing can overrule, the grip that nothing can detach will bring success." 

Maltbie Davenport Babcock (1858-1901)